I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Did you know how much of a support you were to some of us? I don’t think you did. And in a way, I think I didn’t realise it as well. Until now.

There was a small incident last week which upset me, probably more than it should have. I tried to keep it to myself. But when I FaceTimed Jess, she saw it on my face straightaway. I sobbed on the phone, saying my “support” was no longer here. And I have to support myself. Poor Jess. I upset her so much. She asked me to take the next plane and stay with her in UK for a week. But I told her, I can’t keep running away to her. Sooner or later, I needed to fend for myself, with or without you.

Interestingly, Tun was also talking to me the other day. And she said she had spoken to you about the same thing. That you were no longer here to support us physically, but that you need to support us spiritually. I told her I had had the same conversation with you.

I am thrilled to say though, that you indeed still “support” us. Perhaps not always so obviously. But you truly do.

There was another event I was extremely anxious about. I had been dreading it for weeks. All I wanted was not to break down and cry at this event. A week before, as I was spiraling down with anxiety, I heard your voice telling me, “I’m going to be right there Mum. What is it you want? You don’t want to cry? I will make sure you don’t cry”. That gave me much peace, for a few days at least.

But when the day came, I was exponentially spiraling down. It was ridiculous. I kept telling myself, “you’ve gone through so much worse”. But it didn’t help. As the time came for me to get ready, I heard your voice, “Ok, Mum. Time to get ready now”. As I travelled, I saw an insane amount of “7,9”s and “9,7”s. And I just knew you were with me. But still, I was beyond stressed. My heart rate was rapidly increasing. It was just so irrational.

As I got out of the car, I said to you, “Ok Josh, let’s do this”. But I was almost shaking. And just a second before the event, a small little white feather came from nowhere. It gently stroked my right arm and floated elegantly to the ground. “Ohhh”, I said, completely distracted by the feather. And knowing it was you telling me again you were right there. You gave me what I wanted. I didn’t cry. Despite all the stress, anxiety and anger.

A few days after you passed, one of my friends who came over said to us that you would always be in our hearts and within us. I didn’t quite understand it then. But I do get it now. I also didn’t get this concept of you being our guardian angel. I used to think I needed a guardian angel to help me protect you. What was the use of a guardian angel now? But I get it now. You are our guardian angel. You are standing right beside us, as life continues to shoot arrows at us. And even though it frequently feels like I have no support, you are showing me your support in so many, many ways. By giving us strength, by giving us signs, and by willfully ensuring you keep up to your end of the deal.

Thank you darling!

Love Mum