I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Jess is jet-lagged and asleep. So I’m writing today’s post. It is nice to have her at home, difficult as it is for her.

You would love this topic.

I can’t remember when I realised how clever you are. Definitely not as a toddler. You reached your milestones slightly earlier than Jess. But other than that, nothing in particular stood out. Maybe not so much as a pre-schooler as well. You were always quite playful. And super cheeky. But again, unlike Jess, you didn’t quite show your capabilities until you started primary school.

I still remember having my first parents’-teacher’s meeting 6 months after you started Primary One. I was nervous for this meeting. You were not conscientious like Jess. And didn’t really care much about grades. So when I nervously opened your report book in front of your form teacher, I nearly fell off my chair to see that you had topped the class. I think all of us were in disbelief. I remember calling Dad and telling him. And he didn’t believe it either. Ammamma and Patta were a little less surprised. Jess was super proud. You were as nonchalant as always.

Over the next few years, you continued to perform exceedingly well in school, frequently topping the cohort. Even in the first year of secondary school, there was a joke a colleague would constantly repeat at work. That you had scored the highest marks in Geography although your textbook never came out of your schoolbag.

Unfortunately, your illness got the better of you in the following years, making it extremely difficult for you to even function in life. Going to school was beyond difficult. And your studies took a big hit. Until of course the last 2 years. You suddenly got right back into it in University, and again, constantly topped your cohort.

In recent years, you also realised how intelligent you were. You were definitely not humble about it. There were many IQ tests you took, and you were always so proud about your scores. You were also competing with Jess and Shalini, but were clearly the winner.

Aunty M and I had a chat about this once. Was it the brilliance that led you to do what you did? And she reminded me that not having the illness may perhaps have not also given you the intelligence. But then we quickly counter-argued- we would have rather not had the intelligence and not had the illness. I’m not sure you would have agreed though.

In the end, I think it was your brilliance that taught you how to finally end your life. I was always looking out for the “common” ways. But you found a painless way- one that was not traumatic both to you and us. Even being a medical professional, I was not aware of such a method. And it took me weeks to finally figure out how you did this. I will not mention this for fear of triggering and giving others with such thoughts an option.

I frequently think about your extreme intelligence. And wonder what you are doing with it now. I can almost imagine you trying to “better” heaven. And I also think it is this intelligence that helps you give us all the generous signs you continue to give us.

Love you darling,

Mum