I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

A few days after you passed, I asked Mum if I was going to become more bratty. I had grown up sharing everything with you, and now suddenly, I didn’t have to anymore. At your funeral, I kept telling our aunt that I didn’t know how to be an only child. Mum seemed convinced that growing up with a sibling wasn’t something that could be undone.

Even that soon, I could feel a shift. Everyone had watched us grow up together. There were three short years when I was without you (blissful, I’m sure), but otherwise, most people didn’t consider us separate entities. Everyone had love and care for two children, but now there’s only one to give it to. The way I was, and still am, lost without you—they are too.

There’s no compromise over which restaurant we’re eating at, I’m the only one they consider now. Ammamma’s cooking is based on what I would like. They go to the butcher if they want to make me something special, not to secure the dozens of chicken breasts you would devour. We don’t buy them anymore.

I think you would agree we grew up spoilt. Not exactly bratty, but definitely spoilt. I’m slightly concerned I’m veering towards bratty now without you to tell me off. I’m also pretty certain my standards for myself are dropping without you to keep me in check. Ammamma and Mum are too kind to tell me when I’ve put on weight. I don’t think you would have had that issue.

I can fully imagine you saying, “Yes, Jess, tell me how my passing has inconvenienced you.” But the truth is, Josh, it has. I’m not saying it to be bratty. I miss you so much it physically hurts all the time. But it has also changed everything else. As much as I try to be a vessel for all Mum, Ammamma, and Patta’s love, I can’t hold it all. It was meant for two of us. The dogs cling to me at night, but Cadbury is used to sleeping under your arm, not mine. The hope they had for both of us to have happy, healthy lives is now only on me.

Mum said today that she’s slept well since I’ve been home. She recently brought up the idea of a nursing home. Do you remember us fighting over who Mum would live with when we had our own families? I guess I’ve won now. Just saying—I would have far preferred to win by her choosing to live with me.

Now I get all these things I didn’t before. I get the front seat every time and get to choose the music. But it doesn’t matter. I could win every prize, have the loveliest family, and be the best daughter and granddaughter, and it would still never fill the gap your absence has left.

Maybe I am being a brat, Josh. But it’s so hard not to be mad at you for leaving me with a task I will never fulfil. I know I have the love meant for two children now. But I would have preferred just one—and you around.

Love you and miss you,

Acca