I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I was warned that December would be hard, but I didn’t realise it would get so hard so soon.

Monday was Ammamma and Patta’s wedding anniversary. While we tried to keep it as casual and unemotional as possible, it all went down as soon as we went over to their house. Ammamma was beyond consolable as she recounted how happy we all were at their last anniversary celebrations. Shalini came over to their house for the first time and brought presents for all of us. We took multiple pictures. Jess choreographed the different combinations, some without Shalini in case the relationship would end. We had no idea it would be you who wouldn’t be in the pictures again. Despite it being our family’s celebration, I constantly look at this picture and see how much Shalini is beaming with happiness. Life was close to perfect. This family was not torn to pieces just 15 days later. It was shattered into fragments and shards. And I can’t imagine life ever having some resemblance to what it was again.

And yesterday was Tun’s birthday. Again, while I tried to happily wish her, in milliseconds, we were both crying. It was another difficult day, as we recounted how you came out with us for dinner at her last birthday. You were tired after spending the day at Shalini’s house. And initially decided not to join us. But Patta kept pressing you and you relented. After dinner, I recall you wanted to add fruits to your diet plan and we all went to Cold Storage to get strawberries and watermelon. I was happy thinking you were easing up a bit on your diet.

After an emotional day on Monday, I went to bed sad. I kept going to your room to look at your phone to see if there were any messages. It has happened at least 3-4 times before. But there was nothing. Just before I fell asleep, I looked at your picture and asked you to please visit me in my dreams. That had also not happened much lately. But you delivered very nicely.

I dreamt you were walking behind me with Jess somewhere outdoors. You looked like the age you were when you passed. Tall and fit. I remember thinking in my dream that I should remember to touch you so I get to feel your skin and muscles. And I did just that. The dream moved on to some indoor room with couches. You were sitting on the couch and you said to me, “I want to watch HBO Max. House of Dragons”. For context, you were always the one who told us in our group chat when a new movie or trailer was out.

I woke up a little later and thought of the dream, delighted that I saw you. And you looked happy too. Then I remembered the HBO Max and House of Dragons. I tried to go back to sleep but kept thinking of this. So I reached for my phone and checked on House of Dragons. The trailer came out 3 days ago. I see you are still letting us know.

Thank you darling. What an amazing sign! I keep wanting to know you are ok and happy. And you do keep comforting me like this. It is a matter of time before we are with you again.

Love Mum