I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’ve been putting up purple post-its and ribbons everywhere we go and it’s been helping me a lot. The first time I put up a post-it I felt very teary and had to blink back my tears. It was especially difficult because my mum kept asking me what I was doing and I couldn’t get the words out. I’m glad that little struggle is over and now it is almost a norm for me to take a minute or two or tie a ribbon or stick a post-it. If my parents are feeling nice, sometimes they even suggest places I can tie ribbons or stick post-its.

I’ve been noticing that it gets extra difficult in the mornings and nights. It’s so unusual because in Singapore, I felt better going to sleep – thinking that I’d get to see you in my dreams. Here I feel far from you, and although I receive signs from you like purple Christmas trees and purple lights, it’s somehow harder for me to feel you around me. I can imagine what you’d say to the scenic views, or your thoughts on the architecture, but I find myself missing the routine of going to your place. Even if you’re not there, being in the spaces you were most comfortable in makes me feel closer to you.

Mornings and nights might be extra difficult because it is right before I fall asleep and after I wake up – where I am alone with the emptiness and memories of last year. I’m reminded of our final days together and the last things we said to each other – they were all happy and loving, but that bothers me too. If we were so happy, what happened? It is lately that I feel this compelling urge to speak to you and listen to you. I need to hear your opinions, your answers to my silly questions, and your responses to our debates. I really miss you more than you know. Your mum’s post made me extra sad yesterday because it’s something I think about a lot – I miss the happy version of myself I see whenever I look at pictures of us. I really was very happy.

The nights remind me that last year, I was also lying awake after saying “goodnight” to you – worried that if I fall asleep, I’d wake up without my boyfriend. We’d have long chats where I’d have to muffle my cries in fear of waking my parents up, because you’d tell me you can’t promise me you’d be able to wait for me to get back. These thoughts make me sad, but I’d rather go through all of that than lie awake with my thoughts now. I’d rather have you and worry myself awake, than fall asleep with this newfound sadness from your absence.

My other theory about why mornings and nights have been extra difficult is because I’ve been exhausted. I like traveling and it serves as a good distraction for now, but we’ve always known that grief is worse when one is exhausted – and I really am. I’m not getting a lot of good sleep or privacy, and you’d be proud of the amount of walking I’ve been doing. The activities keep my mind distracted, but the mornings and nights are really awful. It feels like the beginning of the year again, where I cannot do anything to make myself feel better. It feels like the I just lost you at the beginning of last year, but it’s the beginning of the next.

It’s also really difficult to see how in love couples are. I don’t know if you get what I mean, but in Asian countries, I rarely see couples in love. In Singapore, I’m envious that couples have each other’s physical presence. But honestly, most couples in Singapore look so forced to be with each other. I know you’d agree because this is something we laugh about too – that one person in the relationship looks so unhappy to be there (we laugh, but we also feel bad for them). They are always on their phones or looking bored with each other. It’s so miserable. Here, I have to be envious of them being physically on Earth AND how in love they look. I know we are in love, and I’m sure we look like that too, but seeing them all physically have each other made me so aware of what we currently don’t have. Again, it’s not that we aren’t in love anymore, it’s just different – which is okay too, though both of us being on Earth would be nice. Seeing other couples smiling at each other, hugging on the street, reminds me of what we have but can’t access. That worsens things for me too. I am happy for them, but I can’t help feeling sad.

I’m sorry the writing’s not great lately. Being exhausted and sad is not a great combination for my brain. I want nothing more than to go home and feel closer to you again, but the thought of coming back and facing the 31st makes me want to stay here and live in somewhat-denial. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place and I can’t think of a solution out. Time will pass, the 31st will come, and the sadness will be so overwhelming I don’t know how I’ll be able to deal with it.

Please send us some strength. Sorry it’s going to be tough on you, sending everyone so much love and strength, but we really need it… especially lately.

I miss you so much. I really, really do. Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha