I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I remember the days leading up to your last so well.

Last year, on this day, I remember coming home from work, and you looking quite sullen. You had come to my room and were sprawled across my bed like you usually would to talk to me. I had asked you if you were sad that Shalini wasn’t around and you had said, “Of course I am”. But I didn’t realise how much you would deteriorate from then.

There was a small “Singapore’s version” of a Christmas market in town and I was keen to go. I don’t think you were in the mood to go, but you agreed to come because I really wanted to go. The 3 of us went into town and walked around. The little shops were just opening, so there wasn’t a lot to see. We probably walked through the market within 20 minutes. I remember Jess wanted to go out for dinner after but you were already not looking good and you insisted on being dropped at home first. And this annoyed us. But I never thought it was not safe to leave you alone.

One of the shops we visited was selling very pretty Christmas ornaments. In particular, I was deeply fascinated with the little carousels that would spin and play music. While I was contemplating buying one, you stopped me and said you could get one from me online for a much better price. And so we didn’t buy it.

I never knew you actually went ahead and ordered it. I guess the delivery was late? It didn’t come in time for Christmas. In fact, it arrived 2 days after you passed. It took me weeks to gather the courage to open the parcel. It would be the last present you ever gave me. And it is deeply treasured. It sits on my dresser and I don’t allow anyone to touch it. I get to see it everyday and it is perfect. So thank you. I love it.

Love Mum