I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I think I hit ‘peak’ anger with you right before I flew home this time. I have never dreaded coming home more. I had to clarify with Mum that this had minimal to do with her and the grandparents, and rather just facing your loss again. My flatmates and friends were genuinely worried. I’ve been flying back and forth for 6 years but I don’t think this many people have remembered when I was leaving before. I’m blessed I got so many texts that they were thinking of me and offering to call.

So when I got off the plane, I played a mental game with myself. I couldn’t cry. The last 3 times I’ve arrived at home since you passed, I was sobbing before I saw Mum. This time, I walked out and for the first time in 6 years, no one was there to greet me. Nevermind the grief, where was my welcoming party? Instead, I was greeted by an inflatable Santa and Christmas Tree, who were not there for me. I looked around slightly shocked and had to actually call Mum. They’d been waiting at the wrong gate which had changed at the last minute. So when I saw Mum and Ammamma, it was more of a ‘Where the hell were you?’ instead of crying. If that was you, well done.

The dogs have been very attached to me since coming home. Similar to how they were with you. Cadbury doesn’t just sleep in my bed, he makes sure he has plenty of contact with me. The funny thing is, the one night he didn’t, I scooched closer. It has been suggested that this is because the dogs are the only ones who can sense my nervous system. I think it might be you.

I was, and still am, dreading the 31st. But because I have such major exams in January, I honestly haven’t been able to ruminate on it much in Singapore. Did you do that too? This has been the biggest help, if so. It keeps us all focused. We can’t avoid meltdowns entirely, but they have to be limited before exams. We’re a family of nerds, you know this. Do you remember how we all locked down before my IB (because I left it too late and needed to cram)? It’s like that now. But just because you’re in heaven doesn’t mean this isn’t a team effort.

I know a lot of this post was about me. A lot of life here is trying to play the role of two of us. Mum has never shouldered this much responsibility in her life, and there aren’t two kids to help her through it. So honestly, I need you to get me through it. Get Mum, Ammamma, Patta, Tun, Shalini, your friends, our friends, the dogs, and everyone else through it. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I think you’re the only one who can.

We miss you and love you so much. I think you’re also the only person I’ll be wishing this year – Merry Christmas in advance. I would normally be expecting a present but I’ll let it go.

Love you,

Jess