I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Just a quick update, the putting up of purple ribbons and post-its have been going well! The last one I put up was at the peak of the Matterhorn. Of course, I didn’t actually climb the mountain, so the peak is really just the highest point I could walk up to. It was still really cold and a very pretty sight. I think you’ll really like that. It’s my favourite spot so far.

I recently wrote about how mornings and nights have been hard. I’m now noticing that the entire day is getting harder. I’ll sit in buses and find myself tearing up thinking about last year. I’ll look at pictures of you on my phone and get sad all over again – as if I just lost you. My phone has reminded me that a year ago, on the 17th of December, was the last time I saw you in person. That’s still so hard for me to grasp. It’s just really difficult to believe that it’s been one year. How did that happen? I still don’t know how we survived this year. I’m sorry that I’m repeating myself a lot. I know I’ve voiced these thoughts before, and they are the same ones I keep having.

I think the first few days after your passing was the worst moments of my life. If I were to take care of someone who’s grieving, I’d be most concerned in the first few days. I think that was when I was keenest on ending my life (sorry for the sadness). When I think back to those first few days, I can only remember thinking of the various ways I can join you. And I’m ashamed to admit this, but I find myself going back to those thoughts again, especially now. With this new knowledge of the same thoughts a grieving person has at the start and end of the year, I think if I was caring for a grieving person, I’d be most concerned for them in the first few days and the days leading up to the anniversary. I’m not saying those thoughts never crossed my mind after the first few days though. But don’t worry, at the end of the day, I’m aware that I have to stay to make you proud and accomplish things for us. That’s another reason why I’m tying ribbons and sticking post-its all over the world (currently Switzerland and Italy).

I miss you so much these days it’s actually feeling uncontrollable. Distractions aren’t working as well as they used to – not that they were working that well to begin with. I think that’s how it will be. I’m sorry for repeating myself here too (I’m aware I’ve apologised like thrice already). My thoughts have been surrounding the same sadness for the past few weeks. I hope you’re not getting bored reading them.

I can’t wait to see you again. I seriously cannot wait. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha