I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Christmas Eve and even Christmas Day last year were amazing. I’m not sure how much you were masking. But you genuinely looked happy.

On Christmas Day, I remember you coming to me while I was in the laundry room happily telling me about the Origami Shalini had made for you in her multiple letters for you to open, as well as the little gifts. I’m so glad we have a video of this. On Christmas night, you were a part of the dinner party at Ammamma’s house. I remember at some point I turned around and couldn’t find you. I went upstairs and you were sprawled across Ammamma and Patta’s bed. You said you needed a little time-out from the crowd. Minutes later you came back down and joined the party and all was fine.

But from the next day, it was rapidly downhill. It was difficult to get a word out of you. I knew you were self-harming. And there was nothing I could do. I was constantly trying to look on your computer for any clues of anything when you were in the shower or when you took the dogs down for a walk. I knew you had a lot of disturbing thoughts, and you were pleading with God to make you better. I just didn’t know how to help you. I tried to do the jigsaw puzzle with you and tried to make conversation. But you eventually said calmly to me, “Can’t you see I want to be left alone?”. And so I did that. But I would find any excuse to come into your room. So would Jess and Tun. Whether it was to look for something, or to even enter the washroom through your room. All in an effort to keep an eye on you.

That night, Tun and I decided to move the jigsaw puzzle out of the study so you could get started on your Harry Potter Lego. It was another effort to occupy your mind and try to lift you up. While we were moving the puzzle, the doorbell rang. Your friends had come over. I later heard you had posted something on Instagram and they were worried for you. They ordered pizza and sat with you for hours. You seemed better with them. And after they left, you came to my room and said you were going to make a bigger effort to spend more time with your friends. I was relieved.

Over the next 2 days, you told me you needed something to bring you out of the deep depression. And so we started to plan our trip to Hokkaido. It was this trip that would give me the false confidence to eventually leave you alone.

So many, many difficult days. I play them in my mind over and over again. There will never be a day that passes where I don’t question why I didn’t do something, or why I did. It is so sad and so unfair that all these difficult days eventually led to the hardest day ever.

You had a little tradition whereby you would play some of my and Patta’s favourite carols on Christmas Eve. “Silent Night” for me and “O Holy Night” for Patta. I have a vague recollection of you playing this briefly on Christmas Eve. But when I properly looked through your computer after you passed, there was a musical score for “The Last Christmas”. Well, thank you giving us that last beautiful Christmas.

Love Mum