I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Kendrick Lamar did the Super Bowl halftime show. You would’ve loved it. It was the soundtrack to a lot of my grief, which you would’ve found weird but understood. Lily Allen released a scathing album about David Harbour. You would’ve listened to it but I’m not sure you would’ve liked it. But you would hate him after listening to it. I didn’t need worry about you being sexist. You were raised by a house of women (and Patta). I know you were a feminist. There was a new season of The Bear, but the reviews were crap. I don’t think you would’ve watched that. I saw Hozier live again. You would’ve liked to see him too.

Mum saw falling snow. You would’ve loved that. She was like a child. Especially when we were stuck in a semi-snowstorm. You would’ve found that so funny. We needed you to stop us from slipping. One of your best friends got into medical school, even though he had the interview days after your funeral. Your friends have added Shalini to the French Toast Mafia. You would appreciate how they look after her and us.

You’d be so proud of Shalini. She made Dean’s List this year!! After everything she’s gone through. I know you loved her so much last year, but you’d love her more now after seeing how she is with your family. The dogs love her more than us. It’s warranted. She’s played such a big part in keeping our family going. I wanted to send her a tiktok the other day about sister-in-laws gossiping about family. I think you’d be happy I think of her that way.

You’d be so grateful for Tun. I don’t know what we would have done without her. She’s mediated your loss so much. You would appreicate how she watches Patta and spends time with Ammamma. You would want her to discipline the dogs more, but I think they’re allowed to be spoilt. They’re sad too.

You’d feel guilty when you saw our grandparents. If you hadn’t beat me to it, I could kill you for this. I didn’t realise that when I lost you, I’d lose so much of our family as well. Watch over them. I’m self-medicating this week because I constantly feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. I didn’t know my chest could hurt this much. But I don’t have their cardiovascular risk factors, and I still need them, so please don’t let them join you yet. Even if I know it’s the one thing they want.

You’d miss Mum. She’s always been our favourite human. Somehow, she’s still all of the things we love about her but more. She doesn’t throw tantrums. She’s still such a good mum, daughter, sister, boyfriend’s mother and friend’s mother to everyone. I don’t think any of us would’ve blinked twice if she refused to leave her bed or became an alcoholic. But she is still nice and good to everyone. She holds her ground more. You would’ve been proud of that. She and Shalini are so similiar. I’m not sure what you would feel about that, but it’s true. No one tried harder or longer to keep you well, and you knew that. I think Mum alone added several years to your life. She’s like a character in your favourite musical, Hamilton. She’s living to honour your life. Also because I won’t cope if something happens to her.

I miss you, so so much. You owe a massive thank you to Auntie K’s family, my flatmates, Auntie M, the Manchester aunt and the Sydney aunt. They’ve kept us going. I thought you might be pissed with Dad, but I think you’d be apathetic. I know you’d feel bad above all, but Mum thinks that’s not a thing in heaven. For the first time in your life, you’re pain-free. We would have given anything to take it from you. But I’m glad you’re ok now. If I cry, it’s because I want you here for me. But I’ll see you again.

We’re almost one year closer to seeing you again.

Love you, miss you, and yes, I’ll drive safe.

Love, Acca