I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I am not doing well. I think I need help. I’m hoping my struggles are just because of the season we’re in now, but I have a hunch that this feeling is here to stay. Over the past week, I’ve been struggling to express myself and my thoughts, so please bear with me while I try to write this. I know that there’s a lot more in the future that I can look forward to – honoring you (like the Joshua Sanjay Glenn Foundation we just set up), achieving our shared goals, celebrating (as much as we can) your family’s achievements, and more – but I’ve been having this recurring thought that at the end of the day, I have no one to go home to. I have no one to talk to, to “debrief” my day with, to share my every thought with. You were that person for me. You still are, but lately I’ve been so sad at the thought of myself just speaking aloud in my room because I cannot hear you. No matter how much I talk, I can never hear you.

But, like I’ve mentioned multiple times in this blog, I don’t intend to seek out another relationship because I truly believe that you are the one for me. Besides, like I was sharing with your friends the other day, it’s completely unfair to the other person because I will always love you so much – it will end up being a shared love and no one deserves that. Everyone deserves a full love, and I don’t think I can give anyone else that. I don’t think I will ever get to be happy. I’ve known this since the start of last year (that was awful to say because “last year” should refer to 2024 and not 2025) so part of my sadness is how I still can’t get used to the idea that I will be alone for as long as I live. It’s almost like I’m disappointed in myself for still feeling sad about this. “Seriously? It’s been one full year, and you’ve still not gotten used to it?”

It was also in another conversation with your family that I fully understood the difference between support from family or friends and support from a partner. Your family and friends have been a massive source of support for me throughout the whole of last year. And there were many moments – countless moments – where I was seated with them and thought, “I could survive this, if this is life.” But lately I’ve been really feeling your absence – the absence of support from a partner. I get home and sometimes the “high” of being around people I like is able to fuel me throughout the night and I don’t feel your absence as depressingly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still sad out of my mind, but it’s not the depressing-I-can’t-live-on sadness. It’s the quiet-I-just-have-to-take-one-breath-at-a-time sadness, which is tolerable. The past week, I’ve been feeling the depressing sadness. I get home and the “high” does not fuel me at all. I can’t even bring myself to “debrief” the day with you because I am so sad I can’t get a word out. I feel so hopeless and lonely. I have been crying more than ever. It’s such a sinking feeling and I really don’t know how you dealt with it. Is this what you felt after I left your house every day? After we ended our calls? Is that why we never ended calls and never stopped texting each other? I hope we kept our calls going because you truly enjoy spending time with me, but I also know that it was a good distraction for you. Now I understand how you feel. And I don’t have you here.

I’ve really been struggling. I’ve been struggling with this state of emptiness that I can’t get out of. I feel like I need to talk to someone but there’s no one I want to impose on. I would not be able to forgive myself if I caused any burden to anyone. Sonder is the word to describe the realization that every passerby is living a life as complex as your own. Everyone has their own lives that is complex and difficult and taxing. I would never want to add to anyone’s plate. And it would also be unfair to expect anyone, other than a partner, to listen to my daily spiels and every thought (not that you’re expected to listen to that either, but I think you were very alright with listening to me!).

I’m stuck. I’m lost. I’m alone. Despite all the support, I don’t feel seen. And that is not on anyone because I think such things can only be provided by a partner – by you. I’m feeling like there might not be a way out of this struggle. Let me know (via signs) if you have any ideas, okay? Or help me however you can. I don’t know what to do. And in all honesty, I don’t know how long I can do this.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha