I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I never understood how mental health can sometimes present as physical symptoms, even though I’m a Doctor. The term “psychosomatic symptoms”, I felt, was very loosely used. But I think I understand it a little better now.

There were many days when you complained of headaches. Severe enough to need medications. There was one time that you complained of numbness on a part of your face. It was severe enough that we went to the Emergency Department. But when you got there, you were struggling to wait your turn. I was naughty and tried to tell the triage Nurse we had to exclude a stroke. So they expedited. It turned out to be nothing. But despite expediting, you were very upset and annoyed. And you were angry with me for taking you to the same hospital you were taken to when you overdosed.

You frequently complained that you were very tired. Especially when your mood was not good, you would say, “I’m just tired”. I think you may have even said it on the day itself. You were also hungry a lot the days before. But you thought it was because of the meds. I remember talking to Dr A about this, and he himself said he didn’t know if it was the meds or emotional distress. I should have paid more attention to this.

We are now getting a glimpse as to how emotional health displays as physical symptoms. Minutes after you passed, my Apple watch kept showing alarms for the next 3 hours about my high heart rate. For days and weeks after, I weirdly had right-sided chest pains. Jess joked that I may have dextrocardia. It subsided after a few weeks, but came back mildly in the last weeks.

Jess is very frequently very tired, especially in the last few weeks. It was only in recent days that the tiredness is wearing off.

I finally went to the Dentist yesterday (after 6 years- don’t judge). And it was because I thought I was having a wisdom tooth problem. I keep biting my left cheek when I eat. The Dentist was lovely. He said there was no issue with the wisdom teeth. But towards the end of the session, he gently said, “you Doctors, always come in smiling and looking well. But actually, maybe you’re super stressed”. Hmmm. That’s a very weird symptom. But who knows.

I’m sorry I didn’t pay more attention to your physical symptoms. It is another major regret of mine. If I had increased one of your meds, would we be where we are today? Regardless, I try to focus on the fact that it is not just the emotional symptoms you are free from. You are also free from the physical symptoms.

Love you darling,

Mum