I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’m back at the clinic for 4 days before I’m finally done with my internship. My biggest takeaway is that colleagues really do affect one’s working experience. Two days ago, one of my colleagues asked the table if we’d prefer to adopt or have our own children. In case it wasn’t obvious enough, I love children and it is one of my biggest heartbreaks that I won’t get to raise my own and have kids with you. When it was my turn to answer this question, I said what we’ve always discussed. “I honestly don’t mind either, but my partner and I always talk about having our own, so I think that will be what we’ll do. Maybe we could do both. Like have one of our own and adopt one. We’ll still have two kids though, two is enough for us.” It was nice to answer this question and imagine what could have been, even if it was bittersweet to answer.

The rest of the discussion was about the pros and cons of adopting and having your own child – a discussion I would have loved to have with you. I don’t know why adoption was never brought up between us. We always talked about having our own kids and how they would look, how smart they’d be (what narcissists, right!), and how we’d like to raise them. I think you wouldn’t mind adopting too, though. If I could hear you, we’d likely have a really logical and technical discussion about this and I’d go back to work and tell them what our conclusion was. I would have told you that whatever we decide, I just really want a baby girl.

It’s been one year, and I still intend to pretend you’re alive to people who won’t be sticking around. Call it delusional or a coping mechanism, but it really does help sometimes (keyword: sometimes). Do I sound more insane the longer it’s been? “Her boyfriend passed over a year ago and she’s still pretending!” I think I’m currently in the stage of grief where I’d respond with, “Well, sue me.”

It’s been a while since I made a list, so for this letter I thought I’d come up with a list of things I still miss after one year. It’s not a comprehensive list, and it’s not much different from what I’ve been missing, but here it goes:

1. The soft sound of interference from our phone call when I’m falling asleep. We’d sleep call (I hear that’s what people call it) every night, where I’d put the phone right beside my pillow and fall asleep to the sound of interference from our call or the soft sounds of your snores. You’d mockingly hate that I wrote that and insist that you don’t snore, but it’s cute and funny and you aren’t here to delete this sentence, so I’ll keep it in. We’d have bedtime conversations where you fight to stay awake as I sleepily talk about something completely unnecessary. Sometimes you’d go silent for an extended period of time and I’d jokingly say, “Did you fall asleep! You’re not listening!” And you’d quickly jump in to insist that you weren’t falling asleep. The roles often reverse and I’d be the one fighting to stay awake.
2. The way you say, “no worries”. No one says it like you do. I can’t explain this well, but I can hear you say “no worries” so clearly in my head. Every time I say it, I can hear your voice and the way you say it.
3. The way you’d chug drinks. And by drinks, I mean your super large and bitter black coffee, and the entire bottle of water you carry around. You’d make drinking anything a competition I can never win, and whenever I tell you to slow down, you’d drink it faster. I’ve tried the coffee you drink, and I have no idea how you manage to chug it in less than a minute. For context, the drink is as tall as two phones stacked on top of one another.
4. The face you’d make whenever you try a sip of my drink or a mouth of my food. You started doing this a month or so into our relationship where you’d try a bite of whatever I’m having. It could be a milkshake, tom yum soup, a spoon of instant noodles… you’d always make a face and cover your mouth. I’d laugh and ask if you’re okay, and you’d nod and rate how good or bad it is. If I recall right, you said my milkshakes are good, and you’d sometimes go in for two or three sips (after I repeatedly ask you because I think you deserve sweet treats once in a while from all that healthy dieting you do). Tom yum soup and instant noodles you didn’t particularly enjoy. You stuck your tongue out, made a noise like “ugh”, said it was spicy, and made a grab for your water. I’m just glad you try my foods, and your reactions are always adorable and funny.
5. The face you make when you’re focused on studying. I wish I could draw, because then I’d be able to recreate all the pictures I have of you that I didn’t take. This face is mostly present when we’re doing statistics. You’d be thinking hard and I’d be looking at you to figure it out because it’s partly math and I mentally check out whenever math is involved. You’d think hard, staring into space, and begin your explanation at lightning speed after your “lightbulb” moment. Sometimes I’d stare at you for too long and you’d get bashful and lose your train of thoughts. I’m always very flattered that I can make you shy… like, “YOU like ME??? REALLY?? YAY!”

It goes without saying that I miss so much more than this. Writing this has made me realize that it really is in the little moments. Love is really in the little moments – trying new foods despite being on a diet, thinking long and hard about statistics because you need to explain it to your girlfriend who refuses to look at numbers unless she has to (not that you didn’t enjoy it), staying up to talk about the silliest things that no one else will laugh about…

I miss you in the biggest moments and the littlest ones. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha