I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

The Pastor who conducted your funeral came to visit us on NYD. I initially didn’t want to see him. It was too much of a reminder of the last time I saw him. And it was already not a great day. I didn’t push Jess to come as well. But I felt bad. He was really nice then, and is such a nice person.

During the conversation, I told him about some of the things that had happened in the last year. Most importantly, I told him I never thought we had this many people who would support us, and this has been the greatest blessing. I also told him I was more empathetic to parents with children with a disability. I understand their worries more, and overall, I think I have become a more empathetic person.

He is also an inspiration to us, being in this category of having to care for a special needs child. It was heartwarming and awakening to see that despite his own difficulties, he still had so much love to give others. It is the type of person I would like to be. And even though I can often hear your voice saying, “you’re allowed to say and do whatever you want Mum”, I think you would also want me to be that type of person.

During the conversation and the prayer he said, these words stuck out to me. 

We should focus on the movement, not the monument.

It took me a while to understand what he was saying. I think “the monument” refers to the pictures of you we have all over the house, as well as the candles, flowers etc. It perhaps also refers to our need to preserve everything materialistic in the house related to you.

There’s nothing wrong in wanting to do all of this.

But more importantly, he said to focus on “the movement”. And with this, he referred to the donating of lunch, ice-cream, kitchen utensils and games for children in an orphanage. (We did this on NYE). He also referred to the setting up of the foundation, and how your name will be a legacy to many who will need mental health care. He also referred to this blog, telling us that penning down these letters to you is also part of the movement.

So, this is what we will focus on. Shalini and Lynn have been so kind to start working on the website, documents etc. There is a lot to be done. But at least we have started it.

We will still keep “the monuments”. The daily rituals of lighting candles still helps. But we will hopefully focus and work more on “the movements”. Need your help darling, to steer us in the right direction.

Love Mum.