I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I had my first newborn baby boy as a patient since you passed a few days ago. I think God or the universe was kind enough to give me some time before I had to see such a patient.

When his grandmother placed him on the examination couch, he stretched and yawned as his eyes tried to focus on the bright lights in my room. He was a little Indian baby, with a complexion slightly darker than you. As I looked at his face, I tried to remember what was familiar to you as a baby. I couldn’t quite place it, but he still looked familiar. A cute button nose and bright black eyes.

For the rest of that day and night, I tried vehemently to remember you as a baby. I remember you came out all “squashed up”. Like your face ACTUALLY looked grumpy. And like you just didn’t want to meet the world. You had a “who woke me up” kind of look. In comparison to Jess who came out wide-eyed, and, looking around at everyone in the room, even before she was handed over to me. I remember looking at you and thinking “this one is not as good-looking, but never mind”. Weirdly, it was Dad’s mother who was the first to say you were going to be dashing.

Within days, the squashed and grumpy look disappeared. And you were one of the cutest babies. We were shuttling between Singapore and Australia a lot then. In fact, your first flight was when you were just 12 weeks old so we had to get a passport photo for you when you were just days old. In Singapore, everywhere we went, people would peer at you and comment on how good looking you were. You had the fair complexion similar to a Caucasian or Chinese, but had the sharp and dark features of an Indian. And you were super friendly to everyone.

As I held my stethoscope to this little baby who was my patient, I could feel the tears welling up. The parents must have been wondering why I was taking so long listening to the baby’s chest. But as I moved the stethoscope on the left side of his chest, I noted the embroidered writing on his baby shirt pocket. It said “Under the hedgehog”. Then I noticed his shirt was full of baby hedgehogs. And I smiled.

I know you visit Ammamma a lot in her dreams as a baby. And occasionally you visit me like that as well. It is hard focusing on the memories alone. But maybe, even as a newborn, you never really wanted to come into this world. When we see you in our dreams, you look happy. So I guess we must take comfort from this. Sleep peacefully my darling.

Love Mum