I briefly wrote about this Korean author, Baek Se-hee, who passed on a few months ago. I said that one of my colleagues at work made an insensitive remark about her passing that upset me. She’s the author of the books “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” and “I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki” (the latter is a sequel). In the post I wrote, I mentioned that I had read her first book a few years ago and it wasn’t very sad to me. I had notes about it and highlighted a few things that stood out, but I was not able to empathize much with her struggles.
I recently read her second book, and had more notes than ever. So much of what she wrote about made me think of you. I would have loved to share my thoughts with you. We would have sat together and I’d have explained each quote that I highlighted and asked for your opinion. I can’t do that now, so I’ll just write my thoughts down. This might warrant a part two, because I really did highlight many things. Just a heads up, these might be a little emotionally challenging to read.
This is the first line I highlighted. I desperately wanted to know if your therapist asked you this question too and what your answer was. In the book, Baek talks about wanting to die and going up to the roof, cutting herself, etc. Her therapist brings this question about accidental deaths into the conversation. I also wonder what you would have answered and if your therapist asked you this. Baek’s answer was that she’d just struggle to get the noose off, but her doctor tells her that usually the more you struggle, the more the noose tightens. I got worried here, because what if you didn’t mean to die? Adding this to the list of things I wish your therapist said to you.I thought of you here too. Is this what you felt? “…I wanted to live as much as I wanted to die.” I don’t doubt that you wanted to live too, but I wish it overpowered your desire to die. “…the only way to let that desire loose was to harm myself.” Reading this book made me feel so sad for everyone with mental health struggles. I truly don’t know how I could have helped you. I wish I had known how to help you.I remember you telling me something like that too towards the end of December – that good days don’t last because the next bad thing will come. In hindsight, it feels like you were just living to fight the bad days. I can see why it would have been exhausting for you. Reminded me of something you said too. Reading this book helped me understand why it was so difficult for you to look forward to the future when you were having a bad time. Don’t get me wrong, you were looking forward to the future most of the time, but when BPD would take over, it would be really hard to convince you to look forward to better days. I feel so sorry that this was similar to what you went through. You have said this before. It was heartbreaking then when I heard it, and it is still heartbreaking now to read it from someone else. This was also something you mentioned. You said that when you were younger, you stopped taking your pills because you felt fine but plummeted almost instantly and you never stopped taking your pills again. You’ve had multiple near-death experiences and I wish you felt this way long enough to keep you here. This made me think about your perception. Did you also misunderstand certain things that ended up hurting you? It must have been so difficult for you. You might have known, deep down, that some things weren’t out to hurt you, but BPD must have clouded your lens. You identified this and told me about it too.
These are only the first half of what I highlighted. I just felt so much sadness for you and for her. After I finished the book, I googled Baek and saw pictures of her smiling and looking very beautiful. I felt so sad that she was not able to see her own beauty, that she struggled with her image for the longest time. She sounds like a nice person too – one who was bullied and one who was really trying to become a better person. She reminded me of you. I wonder why nice people always get the short end of the stick while those who are mean get to stick around.
Whenever I finish a book, I save it on Goodreads and rate it. I have never rated a book with more than 4 stars before, but I felt the urge to rate this one with 5 stars.
I hope you “enjoyed” reading these excerpts as much as I “enjoyed” reading the book. I can’t say I fully enjoyed it because of how sad it was.
I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.
I Swear You Will Be Fine 
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