I Swear You Will Be Fine

    Day 380 – I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki (part two)

    Dear Josh,

    I usually don’t annotate books, but I think I might start doing that more. I could always share my thoughts with you and now, as I always am, I am more than a little sad that I don’t get to do that. These are the other phrases I highlighted from Baek Se-hee’s book, “I Want to Die but I Still Want to Eat Tteokbokki”.

    How sad is this? I obviously don’t know Baek personally, but when I read this I felt an overwhelming urge to take her pain from her. You talked about being tired and I mostly think you meant you were tired of fighting BPD. I think you were tired of fighting to live. I wish it had been easier for you. I wish I could have taken your pain away.
    Baek had not listened to her therapist’s advice and decided to do all these things that she has been wanting to do. You really trusted your therapist and said that you rarely disregard his words. Reading this made me wonder if you should have. I don’t hate your therapist; I have nothing against him. I believe that he kept you here for a long time. But I will be lying if I said I don’t dislike any of the things he has said to you.
    At many points in this book, it was evident that Baek’s fixation constantly changed. It was like she was always trying to find the next new thing to occupy her mind. It would always be very abrupt, and never stick – kind of like hopping from one obsession to another. This also reminded me of you. I don’t see this as a flaw, by the way. I see this as a constant effort to keep one’s mind busy. It’s almost as if one is constantly searching for a reason to live.
    We once did a personality test for school and you commented, in a slightly sad tone, that you’re so neurotic while my neuroticism score was so low. Another post you sent me on Instagram depicted a crow and a snowy owl (this is where you being a crow and me being a snowy owl came from). The crow says, “I keep messing up,” and the snowy owl responds with, “I won’t stop forgiving you”. There were other quotes in this series where the crow is painted in a negative light and the snowy owl a positive one. You sent it to me and asked if it’s us – you being the crow and me the snowy owl. Your tone was happy and bubbly, since sending each other Instagram posts that remind us of us is something we do, and we had a light-hearted conversation about that after. Looking back, I wish you thought more highly of yourself. I wish you knew that you are so easy to love.
    You’d seek this reassurance from me too. Sometimes you’d be the one telling me that you are getting better and to not give up on you. I always responded with something along the lines of, “Silly boy, of course I’m not giving up on you!” And we’d laugh it off. Of course I was never going to give up on you. We both believed that things were getting better.
    Sometimes you would tell me that the BPD makes you think or say things you don’t mean. I could see the difference too – when BPD was taking over and when it wasn’t. It was sometimes tricky to differentiate, but you would tell me to look out for certain things and identify when BPD was taking over. You’d remind me that it’s the BPD, not you.
    I wish I found this book earlier. I wish you got to read it too. Maybe you would have seen everything in a different light.
    I think this was your wish too. That’s why we started the foundation for you. Through us, you will help others the way you wanted to.

    This was more painful to write than I imagined. Reading this book helped me understand a little more about the pain you went through… the pain people with mental health struggles go through. This whole book makes me wish many things. I wish you saw yourself in a better light. I wish I could have taken your pain away. I wish things really got better for you. I wish you were given the chance to be fully happy. I wish we got more time. I think we would have figured it out if we had been given more time.

    Now I just hope that you are the happiest you can be. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

    Love always,
    Sha

    ^This is what you sent me on Instagram. It’s a series of images where the crow says something sad and the snowy owl comforts him.

    ^Here are some of the other images in this series. I’m glad you think so highly of me, and all of it is true – I will love you through everything, no matter what – but I still wish you could think better of yourself.

    Leave a comment