I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

No one warned me about how physical grief is. The toll it takes. I could put it into numbers last year. I cried 363/365 days (feel honoured). The 2 days I didn’t – one was a month after you passed, I think I was in denial that I was fine. The other was on the day of an exam and I didn’t sleep well the night before. I remember thinking, I’m so sad and upset, but I don’t have the energy to cry.

I feel it affecting my concentration. I could barely study on Christmas. I work a lot slower than I used to. To the point where I’m like is this my limit now? On the 31st itself, I wanted to pass out. What I really wanted to do was sleep, but my body wouldn’t let me. I thought I was going to have a panic attack at 9.18pm. When your last text was sent. It happened to time up with the bomb going off in Oppenheimer, which was playing in the background. And suddenly, it was like my body switched off. I couldn’t think about what I knew was happening last year. I think I was trying to be in denial. But again, my body wouldn’t let me. The next day, it was like I was sick. I could barely study, which is frankly quite inconvenient for someone who has finals soon. I stayed in bed and gave up on concentrating quickly.

We used to monitor you for physical ‘symptoms’ all the time. When the illness was bad, you would sleep for hours and still wake up exhausted. The night before you passed, I could hear you awake on the phone with Shalini. You sounded so happy. I was almost jealous. You didn’t wake up till 10.30am the next morning. Mum was panicking, but I didn’t really get why. Did she really think something like that could happen? Clearly my radar wasn’t functioning. Even Caddy’s aged. I panicked looking at all his white hairs yesterday until Mum said they’ve been there for a while. I panic thinking about something happening to them too, even though I know they belong with you.

I’m not sure how you did it. I’m so tired all the time. Surely you were too. And yet you went to the gym religiously and aced every exam. If this is your way of saying I’ve got no excuse, I understand.

Hope you’re doing ok. We miss you so, so much. No one laughs at Mum or the grandparents the way you did.

Love,

Jess