I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Another fear we have (mostly Shalini and me) as time moves on, is that the signs from you will reduce or even stop. Perhaps it’s because we feel worse, and so we are looking for more signs? I don’t know. Sometimes I look at your picture and ask you where you are. In some religions, the soul stays close to loved ones for a period of time and then moves on. I don’t think I want to believe this. I want to know that you are still around us, seeing everything we see, but somehow you are enjoying heaven too.

Just as I was worrying about my perceived idea of reduced signs, I remembered last weekend.

I had shown interest in going to a concert. As the day neared, I thought of backing out. But I eventually went. Can’t say the concert was great. The lights were absolutely blinding and within minutes, I was almost ready to leave.

We were seated on the second level of the theatre. Aunty K was on my right and there was a walkway on my left. Sometime during the middle half of the concert, I suddenly heard a male voice saying just one word. “Josh”. I turned to my left to see where it came from. Everyone was engrossed in the concert and no one appeared to be talking. Just then, Aunty K looked at me and said, “Did you hear that?”. Wow. So I really wasn’t hearing things. That cheered me up tremendously.

A while later, the singer sang a song I had never heard of. I couldn’t even tell what language it was in (though almost all of her songs were in Tamil/ Hindi). At the end of each chorus of this song, she shouted out “Ben 10”. I mean, come on. Ben 10? In an Indian concert? It truly felt like another sign. You were infatuated with Ben 10 for years. I still have the little Ben 10 suitcase filled with your Ben 10 toys. You even took it out months before you passed to look at.

And then finally, at the end of the concert, the singer introduced the members of her band. And her lead guitarist….you guessed it…Josh!!! Aunty K and I later discussed this. Perhaps the sound engineer seated several rows behind us said “Josh” to the guitarist and that was what we heard. But it really was several rows behind. He would have had to literally shout out for us to have heard it.

So, I am both humbled and grateful for the amazing signs you continue to show us. When I told Jess of my concern, she said, “He’s your son Mum. He will never stop showing you he’s ok”. And as Shalini said, it is comforting to hear this coming from the most logical one amongst us.

So thank you. You know what we constantly need.

Love Mum