I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’ve been lucky enough to have dreamt of you two days in a row now! This is a new high I’ve been feeling. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you in a dream so to get you for two nights in a row was so surprising!

For nearly 100 days after you passed, I was lucky enough to have dreamt of you nightly. Back then, I was worried that my dreams of you would eventually stop and I wouldn’t get to see you anymore. In a way, that did happen. The dreams of you eventually didn’t show up every night. It staggered to once in a few days, then once a week, and eventually, I really did lose count of when the last dream with you was. Sometimes I think it’s because I forget my dreams immediately after I wake up and it irks me that I can’t recall it – though I know it’s normal. Now, the dreams don’t come every night or every week. They are rather sporadic and I can’t keep track of their frequency. I don’t mind it at all though. Any chance I get to see you is a chance! I’m very appreciative you even think of coming over to visit me. How thoughtful of you. I’m aware that you visit your family too and hearing about their dreams with you also makes me happy. The girlfriend in me wants to say, “As long as you’re not visiting another girl, all is well!” – you’d laugh at that.

I reckon you visit the dogs too. Sometimes I catch Knight kicking in his sleep and I think you’re out running with him. Watching Knight reminds me of when you’d send me videos of him kicking or softly barking in his sleep. He would have nightmares too and you’d flip the camera to show me how he’s moving and whining in his sleep. I’d tell you to wake him up from his nightmare and you’d comfort him. I hope you’re still here to gently bring him out of his nightmares. He had one the other day and I did what I saw you do countless of times. If you’re visiting Knight, I’m sure you’re visiting Cadbury too. Give them both cuddles and long walks, please. I’m sure they miss you as much as we do.

I still text you on Telegram daily. For the first year, I sent you goodnight texts with the same line, reminding you to also visit your family members as much as you visit me. I hear from them that you do listen to me sometimes. This year, I don’t tell you what to do anymore. You’ve had the whole year of receiving that same sentence embedded in our goodnight texts. This year, I’ll just say goodnight and ask to see you soon. You get to decide who you visit – but again, don’t visit another girl! I’ll know (in my gut?)!

The latest dream I had of you I can’t fully remember. I can picture some scenes that I know came from last night’s dream, but I can’t recall the full story. The night before, I dreamt that you had given me new signs to look out for – that was the first part of the dream. The second part, I’ll keep to myself! In the dream, I was in my room and the lights suddenly started flashing. It had never happened before so at first, I was a little afraid but quickly told myself that it could be you. I called out your name and the lights just kept flashing. There was also a polaroid camera sitting on my desk (I don’t own a polaroid camera in real life) and it was flashing to take a picture. I instinctively smiled as the bright light from the camera almost blinded me. The film started coming out and I walked towards it to see the picture… and guess what? The picture depicted me, standing and smiling, and you! You were standing behind me, giving me a hug and smiling so wide your eyes were closed. I was in disbelief (even in the dream) and quickly grabbed my phone to take a picture of it to show it to your family. I was so afraid that this picture of us would fade away.

I can still see it. We don’t have a picture like this in real life – not exactly like this, anyway. My takeaway from this dream was: You’ll send us signs through flashing lights, and you are always around us.

It was a very pleasant dream and the rest of my day was spent thinking back on that dream and that picture. I’ve said this before, but I really wish I could draw so that I can draw all the pictures we’ve never taken.

Keep visiting us whenever, okay? I can’t wait to see you again and have more adventures with you in the nighttime. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha