I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I woke up in a panic yesterday morning because I thought it was actually Thursday and I had forgotten to schedule a post. It’s been a while since I shared a song so I thought I’d share one that popped up when I was shuffling my playlist. It made me awfully sad for a number of reasons that I’ll explain in a bit. The song is called, “Bigger Than The Whole Sky” and it’s by Taylor Swift. I can see the face you’re making! Hold on now, it’s not a bad song and I think if I had played it for you in 2024 you might have liked it as much as you like “Champagne Problems”.

I’ll show you the lyrics first before explaining why I like this song. I think you’ll get it as you read the lyrics too.

“No words appear before me in the aftermath
Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears
Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness
‘Cause it’s all over now
All out to sea
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I’ve got a lot to pine about
I’ve got a lot to live without
I’m never gonna meet
What could’ve been, would’ve been
What should’ve been you
What could’ve been, would’ve been you
Did some bird flap its wings over in Asia
Did some force take you because I didn’t pray
Every single thing to come has turned into ashes
‘Cause it’s all over
It’s not meant to be
So I’ll say words I don’t believe
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I’ve got a lot to pine about
I’ve got a lot to live without
I’m never gonna meet
What could’ve been, would’ve been
What should’ve been you
What could’ve been, would’ve been
What should’ve been you
What could’ve been, would’ve been
What could’ve been, would’ve been
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time
And I’ve got a lot to pine about
I’ve got a lot to live without
But I’m never gonna meet
What could’ve been, would’ve been
What should’ve been you”

The song’s pretty good, right? I think you would have liked it. I first heard this a few years ago and was not in a good place mentally. A lot had happened that no one knew about so I was dealing with too much alone. When this song was released, many speculated that Swift had wrote it after she had a miscarriage. There was no evidence to back this up and the rumors eventually died down. To reiterate, I’ve never been pregnant nor had a miscarriage!  But I felt for this song. I felt so, so sad listening to it that a stranger would think I did indeed lose a child. But honestly, the lyrics can be applied to multiple things. Back then, I felt like it was apt for the situation I was in. Listening to it, I felt like I was saying goodbye to myself – like I had lost myself and didn’t know if I’d be able to find me back. Eventually, I did find myself (or maybe a different version of myself) and I managed to make happy out of the cards I’d been dealt. I didn’t listen to this song when I was happy. I had almost forgotten about it. I think that’s why I never played it for you in 2024. Because I was so happy I didn’t even think about relating to these words.

Now, listening to it again after so many years, I feel sad for a number of reasons. First, I feel sad because the words are so fitting for our situation now. Every sentence is something I could be saying to you.

I also feel sad that I’m not just saying goodbye to you. I’m saying goodbye to the dreams we had, the times we will miss, the life we will not have.

I’m sad because I feel bad for myself too. Is that narcissistic? I feel bad that I’m back to this song again. Just makes me want to scream at the world. Why am I back here again? What did I do to deserve this? What did you do to deserve this?

I feel sad for your mum, who will listen to this song and think of you. I think the song is sadder for those who have lost a child. I feel sad for your sister, because the lyrcis could be applied too. And I feel sad for all your other family and friends who miss you and will listen to this song because they miss you so much, they read this blog. They’ll likely relate to these lyrics too and think about all the versions of you they will not get to see. I wish we got to see all the versions of you. I’m sure we would have loved all of ‘em.

Lastly, I feel sad for those who have lost. Whether they lost a loved one to suicide, or illness, or had a miscarriage, a failed marriage, broken up with a partner, lost a friendship… a loss is a loss. No matter what you have lost, you have lost. It’s so often that people compare grief and sadness when it’s really not a competition. No one is sadder than the other. We’re all sad in different ways. So, I feel bad for everyone who has lost. I’m sure it’s awful to lose no matter what. I can’t say any comforting words because I don’t think there is anything comforting to say. There’s no “bright side” to look on, the grass will always be sad on our side, and glasses might always look half empty. This is life, I guess. We’ll just take it one day at a time.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha