I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

We went for a long walk today with the boys. Your mum, Tun, the boys, and I walked from your place to East Coast Park (ECP) – you and I have not gotten the chance to do this yet. We talked about this, like many other things we talked about and didn’t get to do, and it sounded very exciting. Before we started dating, we walked around ECP twice and spent more than three hours each time just walking and talking. It was a great date idea because I felt like I really got to know you during those walks. It was so easy to talk to you. Conversations flowed endlessly and I didn’t have to think twice before speaking. I’ve been finding that it’s quite rare for that to happen. I usually end up rethinking my words before actually speaking, and that gets tiring. I miss how easy it is with you.

Our walks after we started dating were only around your place. We’d make one round – not anything more – because you’d say that Cadbury would get tired. Today, we walked for about an hour and a half and Cadbury only needed us to carry him home towards the end. He did a great job, actually. I think you’d be so proud! They did bark at a few dogs once in a while, but overall, I’d say you trained them pretty well. I got to carry Cadbury for the last seven or so minutes before we got home and although my arms were getting a little sore from carrying this 5.5kg baby, I was soooo happy to do it! I wish I could carry him more. I carried him a lot when you were here. I remember picking him up all the time and you’d worry that he’d bite me, but he rarely did. You would have made fun of him for stopping and huffing today – because you’d realize earlier than we did that he stopped immediately after we picked him up. He’s such a baby! I miss walking the boys with you. They listen better when you’re here.

I think walks and talks are one of the things I miss the most. We did it so much – at least 30 minutes a day. It’s one of those things that I didn’t know I’d miss because it’s become so ingrained in our routine. I think a lot of things fall into that category I’ll call routine missings – having dinner, walking the dogs, taking the bus home after school – things that are supposedly mundane but actually take up a big part of our day. I’m sure all your loved ones have these misses too. I wonder if you miss these things too. I’m sure you miss us as much as we miss you, but I hope you’re not missing us in a sad way (if that makes sense).

In the later half of 2024, you started talking about driving again. You were in the midst of learning and needed to fulfill a few more practical lessons before you’d take the test. I think you struggled to settle on an instructor, but told me that I’d have no issues finding one in the future because most of them speak Mandarin. You eventually settled on one, and the week before I left for Japan, you told me that you’d get your license by the time I came back so that we could have night drives and you could pick me up from my meetings with my friends. Driving was supposed to be a distraction for you too. Something to keep you busy while I wasn’t here. On 31^st December 2024, you had a driving lesson booked but told me you had to cancel it because it was raining too heavily. I often wonder if that would have made a difference – if you would still be here if you had went for your lesson because it would have served as a distraction.

A few months into 2025, I thought of learning to drive because it was long overdue and because it was something you wanted to accomplish. After 5 public school driving lessons and some creepy instructors, I got the number of your private driving instructor from your sister. I took 10 lessons with your instructor, in Mandarin (like you said would happen; I swear I did not totally comprehend the words he was saying), and took my practical test. Miraculously, I actually passed it.

I got our driving license for us! A little later than I hoped, and I wish you were driving me around instead, but this is another thing I wanted to do for you that I managed to (with your help, I’m sure).

I hope you’re walking, talking, and driving with us. I see some signs as I drive and it’s nice to know you’re sitting around. I think you would be happy with this. I’m glad I got to do this for you.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha