I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I caught myself having a funny feeling the other day. This sudden thought that I hadn’t spoken to you in a while and should call occured to me. It happened while I was study at Uni, as it has happened so many times over the last few years. But I didn’t get that feeling at all last year. Something about how much time has passed or how much I’m working let my body forget for a second.

Do you remember when you came to visit me? Of course, you didn’t come just to see me but to go for a concert. Brockhampton’s second last show ever. I had been irresponsible and stayed up the night before with friends. When I rang you and Mum, it was close to morning here. You were not pleased, but I swore I would be up when you were here. I was, so you couldn’t complain.

When you arrived, it turned out you were tired too. So I was able to hide my sleepiness by saying maybe we should take a nap! Since you were sleepy too! However, this was the first time someone had stayed in my bedroom in the new house. I may have grown up sharing a bedroom with you, but it was a long time since we’d had to share a bed. It also feels worth noting that this was before you got skinny. You knocked out so quickly, and I was so disturbed by how loud your breathing was. Of course, I later snored so I don’t have a leg to stand on.

Of the 5 meals you had with me, 3 were Nando’s. One was Wingstop, which we had with one of my flatmates and his girlfriend. When you passed, he messaged me saying how glad he was that he got to share that meal with you. I made you have dinner with my friends at Nandos, where we treated them as a thank you for letting you stay. You were so quiet, but you laughed whenever my friend made a joke. I’m glad you got to see a peek of overseas Uni life.

You made me go to Brixton twice. Once for the concert (justified), but the other to stalk the band. I sat in the Nandos opposite while you stood in the freezing cold. I got fed up after a few hours and was about to cross over to you, when I saw a group of guys heading towards me. Brockhampton was going to have lunch at Nandos. It did feel unfair that I got a selfie with them while you had done all the hard work.

So the next day, we went early to the concert venue because it was a free-for-all. We tried to hide our expressions when the guys in front of us began talking to some fairly young girls. I miss knowing what you’re thinking without having to say anything. We strategised, as we always did for concerts. You ran to ‘chope’ the seats while I grabbed merch. I have great friends whom I drag for so many concerts, but you were the OG. I took videos of you rapping along to every word of every song.

Afterwards, you lined up to try to see your favourite band member, Joba. I was terrified you wouldn’t be able to. I was also terrified to be in Brixton after midnight. But the scary security guard saw the art you’d made for Joba, and insisted he had to see it. You got to meet your idol. You said to him, ‘You saved my life.’ Joba lost his father to suicide. The song I eventually picked to play at your funeral was by Brockhampton. I wasn’t sure if it was the right choice, but Shalini’s reaction reassured me that it’s what you would have wanted.

We walked around Hyde Park and you insisted on buying Mum a red London bus as a souvenir. I thought it was a waste of money, but now it sits near the kitchen, as proof you once came to spend a weekend with me.

I miss you so much. London was always so hard for you, and I would be lying if I said I had wanted you to visit me again. But now I have my graduation coming, and I don’t want to think about doing it without you here. What I would give to hear your annoying breathing in my room again. We would have taken you for every concert and eaten Nandos every day if it meant you would have been ok. I hope you know that.

I have the biggest exams ever this week. I wish you could wish me good luck once more. But I know that’s selfish to ask. Hope you’re doing ok Josh. I let the dogs sleep with me every night in Singapore. I think you would have approved of that.

Love,

Acca