I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Despite the amazing numerical sign you gave us on the day that Jess went back, it has been a tough week. By cramming my days with stuff to do and work being extremely busy, I thought I would feel better. Instead, the grief often seems to be getting deeper, the reality of you not being here seems to be hitting harder, and the acceptance that this is the rest of our life feels impossible to accept. There is not an hour that goes by that I don’t think of you. And there is not a night that goes by that I don’t regret not staying home that night.

Shalini has written about our walk. I will write another post to add on to this later. This was just before the planned walk.

I was surprised when I got home from work that Shalini was already inside the house. She looked hot and flustered. Just before we went on the walk, Tun and Shalini very shyly brought a purple bag to me and said, “this is an early present”. I was so surprised. Inside was my favourite Rituals diffuser and handcream, also purple. It was so touching. You would be so happy. I exclaimed that this was too expensive. But they both brushed it off. Apparently it was a whole discussion and plan. Tun and Shalini arranging for Shalini to get home first and hiding the present in Tun’s room (hence Shalini being home first). And with money constantly moving from one to the other because both wanted to pay. I later learnt from Jess that this was the laughter coming from her room a week ago. Shalini insisting on paying for part of the gift. Isn’t it the sweetest? Of both of them? I am so touched.

The last Christmas you were on this earth, you got me Rituals stuff as well. I think you went with Shalini. It was the Rose hairmist, which I am still using sparingly. You also got me the car diffusers, which you fixed yourself. The extra cartridge is still to be replaced.

Weeks after you passed, Rituals advertised their newest scent, and the packaging was all in purple. Ammamma bought me the handcream then. And I subsequently kept buying a few small things from this range. Shalini and Lynn also bought me the sparkly body mist from Rituals.

On the entry walkway cupboard of our home, the Adidas cap you wore hours before you passed still sits, resting against a large Rituals diffuser. I had run out of the liquid for this months ago. This gift from Tun and Shalini will be used to fill up the diffuser. Like me, you are also a sucker for nice smelling things, and you like the house to smell nice.

I am grateful that even though you are not here, some of the things you would normally do for me are being done by others. In this case, Tun and Shalini. I’m sure this makes you very happy too. Hope you are enjoying the scent too darling.

Love Mum