I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I can’t count the number of days when I asked you what was wrong and your answer was, “I’m tired”. I never quite understood it then. In the earlier years, I am embarrassed to say I associated it with laziness. You were overweight, and I attributed some of your tiredness to this. In the most recent years, you exercised more than anyone I know. And you developed one of the leanest bodies, losing almost half your body weight. And yet, there were frequent complaints of being tired. We tried lots of things. Vitamin B complex, daily Beroccas (sometimes even twice a day), highly caffeinated drinks. And yet, you were still very often tired. You loved going to Uni. But you would be tired if the sessions were throughout the day, and so, would often return home for a brief rest before going back for your next class. I very unfortunately can’t remember the exact details of our last conversation, but I think you said you were tired then too.

Well, I think I am experiencing about 1% of what you went through. Maybe Jess too, but perhaps because of all the studying.

I am physically tired all the time, and especially this last week. I was thankful for work getting busier to fill some part of the void after Jess left. But the intensity and the non-stop work is getting to me. The soon approaching travel plans are also making me nervous – about being away from work for so long, and also, just making me nervous. I feel like I want to sleep all the time. But as soon as I try to, sleep evades me. Yes, I’ve tried the melatonin. But that seems to give me very intense dreams. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling nauseous, and almost never manage to get back to sleep. I still try to pack my days- that still gives me some level of relief, at least for those few hours. And then I’m even more tired.

Part of me says we’ve gone through the worst already. All these things that are bothering us now are trivial. But then I also think, well, if I’ve gone through the hardest thing, can’t life be a little kinder to me now?

I can hear you telling me, “just get on with it Mum”. “You don’t have BPD”. But I can also hear you telling me to be kinder to myself.

Everyday, I understand you a little better. I know what we are all going through is nothing compared to the way you suffered. But it’s like you are sharing your perspective. I understand a little bit about being tired. Tired with life. Tired of life.

I’m sorry I didn’t understand it when you were physically here Josh. I’m sorry I didn’t always at least try to give you a hug when you were tired. I’m sorry I wondered why you just couldn’t get over it. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate how big an effort it was for you to even just get out of bed.

Love Mum