I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I nearly had a meltdown a few days ago. And as I type 400, I’m nearly having another meltdown.

As I was going to sleep, and missing you especially so, I was trying to remember what you would say to me as soon as we saw each other every morning. And it just wouldn’t come to me. I was appalled that it wasn’t coming to me, so much so that I thought I was going to be sick. And then I had to tell myself to calm down and take a few breaths. And slowly think about it again. Thank God it came back to me.

When you used to sleep in my room, I would usually be the one to wake up first. I would want you to get as much sleep as possible. So I would very quietly go into the bathroom to shower, and clamber around the room in the dark to get my things and try to leave home without waking you up. I would frequently be unsuccessful with this, the light sleeper that you are. Without any movement from the figure hidden deep under the quilt, I would suddenly hear “Morning!”. And I would apologise for waking you up.

When you started sleeping in your own room, there were times I would gently open the door to see if you were awake. But most of the time you would be up early to walk the dogs. You would tell me to watch the dogs while you get their food ready. But the conversation would usually start with “Morning”.

When I was FaceTiming Jess the other day, I thought of you when I ended the conversation. I was trying to think of what you would say when you walked into the room while I was talking to her. And it came very clearly to me. It would usually be “Hello Sister”. I was so glad I remembered this so well.

Sometimes, and especially when you are in a good mood, and I call out your name, you say in an unusual accent, “Aah”. I know I am not capturing this. But Jess would know what I mean.

I also remember, also when you’re in a good mood, and I call for you to come out of your room, the response would usually be, “one second”.

As you can see, I’m afraid I am forgetting some of your sayings. I need to sit with Shalini and Jess and recall as much as we can. But if you can, please help me remember them. And most importantly, don’t let me forget them.

Love Mum