I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Sorry for the delay in sending this letter out. My brother had a concert yesterday which started at 7pm and ended at 9pm, but he only came out at 1230am. We waited for him for more than 3 hours. I got home at 130am. I’m exhausted. But don’t worry, writing this doesn’t feel like a chore. During the concert, I was very bored and my mind started wandering. I thought about many things – mostly you – and eventually started reading a book because I didn’t want to think anymore. You would have laughed at the sight of me reading a book in the middle of a concert.

Today’s writing is less about grief-related feelings (I think). About ten years ago, when I was a teen, I came across this website called Future Me. It allows you to write letters to your future self. Basically, you write an e-letter to your future self and it will be emailed to you in either six months, a year, five years, or ten years. I did this yearly and it became a little tradition for me. I’d write one at the start of every year, for the following year, and forget about it as the year goes by. Every January, I’d receive a letter from past me and feel a little surprised. I’m actually not sure how I’m still surprised after doing this for ten years.

Okay… maybe it’s not a pleasant surprise because the letters can be a little sad. For example, when I was 16, my letter to my 17-year-old self contained the general message of “I hope you’re still surviving”. I wonder if you would have been interested in this if I had remembered it and shared it with you. You’d certainly find it a little silly. I think we would have written a joint one to us in a year’s time. Last January, I received a letter from 2024 Shalini. The letter was relatively joyful, I think. Might have been my last joyful one. I wrote about hoping that I managed to do well in Uni and meet lots of nice people. It’s not wrong. I did meet a few nice people, you being one of them, and I think all things considered, I was doing well in 2024. in 2025, after reading 2024 Shalini’s letter, I thought of stopping this tradition. I had just lost you and didn’t see a point in hoping for better. I don’t know what came over me, or why I decided to keep it going, but I did. In January 2025, I wrote to 2026 Shalini about grief. It was a short one, shorter than my usual yearly letters, but I wrote about how I’m sure I’m still missing you. Actually, I think it’ll be easier for you to understand if I attach the letter here because I can’t summarize it well enough. Here’s what 2025 Shalini hoped for 2026 Shalini:

“Dear 2026 Shalini,

It is 28th January 2025. You are currently mourning the loss of your “right one”, the boy you met on the train in March 2024, Joshua. I am not sure how life looks like for you right now. By 2026 January you would have (hopefully) completed your degree, hopefully on your way to the honors year. I can’t say for sure how you are mentally, but I hope you’re learning to carry the grief and sadness with you. I hope you’re learning to live on for Joshua, with Joshua. I know life didn’t turn out the way you hoped it would, and I am truly so sorry too. I am sorry that it did not. I was sorry back then, and I am sorry now too. If life would treat you better, that would be nice. I hope you are still visiting Joshua and his family. I hope you are still in close contact with them. I hope Cadbury, Knight, Chubs, and Ace are still there with you guys. I hope that you still have all your family and friends around you on Earth. I hope you’re still treating people with kindness, the way Joshua would have wanted. But also standing up for yourself, he would have wanted that too. I don’t know how life looks like for you, but know that no matter what happens, you will always have yourself. I wish you well, as always. Treat others the way you would want Joshua or your non-existent children to be treated. See you next year.

Love always,
2025 Shalini”

It’s a bit foolish and cringey to read back and I am a bit embarrassed to be showing this to you, but reading it on 28^th January 2026 made me feel sad. It is mostly accurate though. I have not written a letter for 2027 Shalini yet. I’m not sure what to write because I’m not sure what to hope for or how different I’ll feel. I actually think the letter will be the same. I’ll still be grieving, still sad, still hoping I’m in touch with those closest to you. I still can’t believe this is our life. This will be our year after year. Every Future Me letter I write will be like this. Who is playing this horrible prank on us, Josh?

Nevertheless, I’m still very appreciative of the signs you’ve been sending us. See you soon, lovey.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha