I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Do you think you would have handled it if it had been one of us first? There are 5 of us. Plus two dogs and Tun. But you’re the youngest. I vividly remember Patta talking to one of his friends, a man well past 90, at your funeral. Patta asked how he could be attending his own grandson’s funeral. Someone else mentioned to us a few days later that their father had passed away at 80-something, so their funeral was a celebration of life. Yours wasn’t. It couldn’t be. There’s a lot of comfort in knowing that you’re not in pain anymore, but it still feels wrong that you’re not here with us.

I think part of the reason we struggled, and still are struggling, with it so much is because it shouldn’t have been you. You’re the youngest, you should have been the one attending all of our funerals. The only reason I should know which funeral company to call, what colour coffin and where to have the wake is because any of the four of us went first. It should never have been you.

A few weeks after you passed, I said to Mum that it felt like we had failed the most important test. I think that’s one of the hardest part about this for your family. All of us at home, Mum, Ammamma, Patta, Tun and me have always been responsible for you. You’re our youngest. We would have done anything to protect you, and none of us know why we didn’t that night. For 10 years, we were grateful for everyday you gave us, not realising that your time would end before ours.

But at the same time, I’m relieved it was you first. Forget the family, I don’t think you would have survived losing the dogs. You always felt things so much more than the rest of us. I’m not sure if that’s because of the illness or your personality. But it would have hurt you so, so much. You were worried about something happening to Patta, so you wrote and read to him the most beautiful card on his 79th birthday. If it had been one of us first, I think we may have lost you too.

I’m still pissed. You’re my brother, you’re the only one who can grieve all of them with me when the time comes. I know the illness would have made it so hard for you, but you would have tried. You’re the one who sat with me when we watched Uncle-Patta’s funeral. I’m sure my constant crying disturbed you, but you were very good. I remember you sitting with me and asking if I would be when you had to go to Uni. This may because of the mountain of tissues building up.

Don’t get them to join you just yet. I know we lost one-fifth, but it feels like so much more than that. We’ll all be with you eventually. It’s Mum’s birthday this week. Did you know Mum’s birthday is exactly 40 days after you passed? I can’t physically be with her, so this is on you. It’s still a shared responsibility. I also have my last exam. If making the past exams difficult was your way of humbling me, lesson learnt. Please stop.

Love you and miss you so much.

Jess