I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

As I started writing this, I wanted to ask you how you are. Just a reflex thing I think. Almost felt like you were talking to me.

If I had to rank your favourite days in the year, I would guess them to be Christmas Eve, your birthday, and then perhaps my birthday. Of course in 2024, 3rd place would have probably gone to Shalini’s birthday. Maybe mine would be next.

As Jess said, my birthday was just 40 days after you passed. Last year, though I was dreading the day, when I woke up, I could feel you saying you wouldn’t want me to be sad. I’m hoping today will be the same.

There were many, many days that I wondered how you managed to do this knowing my 50th was just days away. You were already talking to Jess about gifts for me and just days before you passed, you talked about all the milestone birthdays for 2025, including yours. That again reminds me of how intense your pain must have been, to forget the impact your passing would have on all our special days, especially mine.

I was alone a lot in Bangkok, and had even more time to think about you. I was trying to remember my past birthdays and realised this upcoming birthday would not actually be the first without Jess and you. A few years ago, your Brockhampton concert in London clashed with my birthday. It was a very erratic and difficult year with J’s passing. Although Jess was apprehensive, she knew she had to agree to your coming to London, and that this would be a “gift” for me. To have a few days of respite. I’m not sure you knew I felt this way. It was 3 days where my responsibility shifted to Jess. And though I missed you both that night especially, I have to say with a lot of guilt that I enjoyed a certain level of peace. I hope you are not mad knowing this now.

As I was thinking about this next birthday, with you not physically being here, and Jess in London, I wondered if this was a “gift” you gave me too. While you were on this earth, I don’t think you knew the toll it had on me. The stress and the anxiety of how you were and how your moods were. As Jess’s friend said days before you passed, “what’s the end game here”. None of us wanted to think of what that was.

I wonder now about how you feel. I don’t want you to be sad that you’re not here for my birthdays or any of ours. Perhaps in the heavenly world that you are in, you feel that this was in some way a gift for me? Deep down I really don’t think so, but I do wonder.

There was a TikTok video I shared with Shalini and Jess 2 days ago. In it, the lady says that everything in her life now is “braided”. In everything good, there will ALWAYS be sadness. That is how I feel too. Yes, I am not waking up in the middle of the night when I hear a sound. I am not listening at your door for noises. I am not checking your “Find My Phone” to see where you are. I am not worried about analysing your text messages. I am not stressed that your mood has shifted.

I would be lying if I said I missed doing all of the above. But I will always wish you were still here. That sadness will forever be with all of us. In the midst of the laughter, the tears, and the anger. While we are at work, school, shopping, travelling. You are missed ALL THE TIME. And I want to miss you all the time.

Today I will miss you quietly waking up and trying to cook up breakfast for me with Tun. I will miss lying in bed pretending to be asleep as you quietly open my bedroom door and peek inside with the breakfast tray of chocolate chip pancakes, juice and coffee. I will miss you eagerly waiting for me to open my gifts. I will miss you asking me throughout the day how my birthday is going. And I will miss going out to dinner with you.

But as Aunty S said to me yesterday, I am blessed to still be always surrounded with love. Though you are not here, and Jess is in London, I am blessed to have family and friends still trying to keep me happy throughout the day. I am blessed that Ammamma made me beautiful amethyst jewelry from both you and Jess. I am blessed that Aunty K came all the way to Bangkok to spend the weekend with me. I am blessed that your friends took the trouble to come home and visit with me and even brought gifts. I am blessed that Lynn and Shalini hunted and got me the most gorgeous hedgehog glassware. I am blessed that Shalini changed all her plans to be with me for dinner. I am blessed that Jess will send me flowers from both of you.

I know you will be with me throughout the day and you will do your best to make sure I’m not sad.

I can hear you say, “Happy Birthday Mum!”

Thank you Bubba.

Love Mum