I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I rewrote this letter a couple of times because I didn’t like what I was writing. Not that it wasn’t the truth, but it was a hard truth. At first, I wrote about how things will always be different. No matter how hard we try to keep things the same as it was, it will always be different. I try to live life as if you were still here. Try to attend school the same way we would have, but it’s different. You left a Joshua-shaped hole that no one else can fill. I know you’re sending me the kindest human beings to support me and lift my moods, but it’s different. You are irreplaceable and all the love in the world could not fill the Joshua-shaped hole you have left. I’m sure your family feels the same.

I will say though, I don’t think we have any intentions to fill that hole. Yes, it is sad to leave it empty, and it’s impossible to fill so we might just spend the rest of our lives trying (it’s human nature), but I think we might be quite happy with that Joshua-shaped hole. Missing you is a sign of our enduring love. That hole you have left is but an indication that you have been. You existed and you continue to exist in your absence. That’s quite beautiful, isn’t it?

Like your family has written, I don’t think you knew how much your absence would impact us. Maybe you did and that’s how you held on for so long. Or maybe you didn’t because if you did you wouldn’t have left. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s impulse that took you away and there was nothing you could have done. We will keep wondering what happened on the night of 31^st December 2024 until we see you again. When I see you again, will you tell me what happened? I think by then I’d be content enough (because we’re together) to not be as sad to hear about it. And maybe, it can be a story of our unending love instead of a tragic night. Maybe now we should learn to see grief as a mark of love instead of tragedy. It’s a sign that love was and is present – which is a good thing, right?

I often think about how different things would have been if you were still here. Don’t ever get me wrong, I will never say that your absence is a blessing in disguise, because I will never hurt a fly if I can help it but God knows I would commit murder if it meant I could bring you back. But, I will say that the purest and most genuine relationships I have formed (apart from ours, of course) have been because of you. Not because of your absence, but because of you. Because you have the kindest, nicest people around you. I don’t think I would have the relationships I have with some of your family members and friends if you were here, but I am so thankful that I do. Again, I would trade anything for you to come back, so do not misinterpret my words. I am grateful for the relationships and love I have received, but I will never be grateful for the circumstances that led to these relationships.

Like I said, this Joshua-shaped hole you have left – this Joshua-shaped love you have given me – is irreplaceable. It remains and always will. The love and blessings I have received are different, and make your absence almost bearable. I think your family would agree. They would agree that the love is different. And different does not mean bad.

I hope you were with your mum yesterday. If you can, you can spend the rest of the week and more with her too. Please spend time with her in her dreams more than usual.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha