I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I feel like I need to write more about my birthday.

Though I was dreading it and even contemplated staying on in Bangkok to hide from the rest of the world, you made sure the day was more than fine. So thank you!

It did help to be in Bangkok for the days preceding. It was a bit of a “zen” time for me – reflecting on life and you. I strangely felt some peace for both you and me.

On my birthday, I woke up in the middle of the night and looked at your picture. The soft glow of the candle shining on your smile in particular, made me feel like you were wishing me, and you were the first to do so.

I woke up in the morning to so many, many texts. From family, friends, colleagues- people I never thought would remember. It was so nice.

I then went into your room hoping there would be something on your phone. But there wasn’t.

The first surprise was bumping into Aunty K at the bakery. We didn’t plan to meet. I stopped to pick up some pastries. When I saw her car drive in, I was thrilled. So I went to the elevator and waited for her to come up. When the doors opened, I shouted “surprise”!!! She was thrilled, I was more thrilled.

Then Ammamma gave me the masterpiece she had been working on for months. It is really amazing. I’m sure you are loving it. Hedgehogs have become the theme everywhere.

Of course there was the red rose bouquet from Jess and you. Stunning as always.

I thought no one knew at work, but EVERYONE did. Everywhere I turned, my colleagues were wishing me. Aunty B and some other colleagues got me a chocolate hazelnut ice-cream cake. It was delicious. Everyone was just so loving.

Then Shalini came home, with a lovely purple flower bouquet. As well as my favourite Rituals hair mists. It was so thoughtful. She knew I was using the one you bought for me very sparingly, so she told me to use the one she bought, and I could save yours. How lovely.

It was a nice dinner at Awfully Chocolate. I decided on that place too. Your closest friends took so much trouble to come and visit me, bringing gifts from Awfully Chocolate. Honestly, if I was a 21 year old, I don’t think I would be bothered to visit my friend’s mother. But it is so, so kind of them, and it meant so much. Every single one of them wished me last night (though I think it was something to do with Shalini). 

Throughout the day Jess called me repeatedly.

We ended the night going late night shopping for stationery to give the kids at the orphanage in Sri Lanka.

Actually, I ended the night with the last episode of Night Manager with Tom Hiddlestone. “Mum!!!” I can hear you exclaim.

Oh, I forgot to mention the highlight of the day. I was looking around for signs all day and everywhere. I thought they would be some numbers. But when I dropped Shalini at home at the end of the night, and turned out from her lane, I saw some yellow shadowy lights. I was asking Tun what it was, wondering if there was some road construction. And then I saw it. A streetlamp. Constantly, but steadily blinking. I also remembered Shalini’s dream where you said to look for flashing lights. Truly amazing.

Thank you for being with me throughout the day Josh. I know it was you who made sure I had a good day.

Love Mum