I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Again, I mentally rewrote this letter multiple times. I just could not decide on what to write about. Not that I didn’t have anything to write about, but I couldn’t choose which topic. As I was procrastinating, which I rarely do, and scrolling through social media, I came across this video of a girl saying she still orders her Starbucks with her mum’s name. Her mum passed on 33 years ago, and every time she goes to Starbucks and is asked for a name, she says her mum’s. I then read the comments and there were so many people doing this. Not just for Starbucks and coffee shops, but for everything you can think of. This woman says she still makes reservations under her husband’s name because it’s nice to hear someone else say their name. This other person says she uses her mum’s membership card when she shops so that she can hear the cashier say thank you with her mum’s name. There are many more examples like that, which made me think of what I do with your name.

I use it quite frequently too. Your name, your number, and your email. The most recent time I used it was when I went for a trampoline workout class. It’s probably not the safest time to be using your name and contact, but the registration form asked for an emergency contact and I put yours. I think I was fairly confident that I would survive a trampoline workout class without needing to call my emergency contact, but in the middle of the class I was genuinely thinking, “Oh god, if I actually get a heart attack they aren’t going to be able to reach you.”

I also use your name and number for the vet. Again, don’t know if that’s a good idea, but I’ve been the sole parent of my bunnies for 8 years now and there has never been a phone call I missed, so I thought it’d be fine. So, you’re now the emergency contact for my bunnies as well.

I do this quite frequently and it just feels nice. It could be a way of keeping you alive, or keeping you around me, but it does help a little. Even though I know that you’re not about to come to my rescue if necessary, I’m quite alright with having your number everywhere. It’s like what I read on social media – it’s just nice to hear and see your name. It’s nice to know you’re still here.

I get very happy whenever I hear your name. There’s this night DJ on the radio whose name is Joshua Simon and every time I drive to pick my brother from school at 10pm, I hear the DJ say, “This is Joshua Simon”. Obviously, you’re just Joshua, not Joshua Simon, but it’s still nice to hear.

I really like your name. We had this conversation where I said you and your sister have very cool names. Like, you both have names of cool people at school I’d look up to and potentially be bullied by. I’m sure you and your sister don’t bully people… Actually, you did tell me you bullied when you were younger, but your sister doesn’t, I’m sure. Anyway, you agreed that you both have cool names and said yours sounds like a jock and Jess’ sounds like one of those cool mean girls. I fully agreed and was quite happy with that. You did dress like a jock too, which I was quite appreciative of.

I’ll be taking care of your dogs for the next ten days or so. Please, please, please tell them to listen to my instructions because I can’t be fierce with them and I really want to bring them out for long walks and have a jolly good time with them. Please do your Joshua disciplinary magic and stand beside me throughout! Though, regardless of their behavior, I’m quite excited to be spending loads of time with them.

I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha