I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I was telling Aunty K the other day that I don’t know why I seem to get anxious when I’m about to travel. I really shouldn’t be. Before, I was always worried about you. Especially the few times when you were staying alone in our home. There’s really no reason to be anxious now. And yet I am.

So we are travelling to Sri Lanka today. Remember how Patta has been constantly talking about wanting to visit his home and school? We talked about it in 2024. You encouraged me to take him, but I knew you wouldn’t want to come. And this would be a fairly extended trip. I didn’t want to go then because I was scared to leave you alone for such a long time. I had never left you in Singapore without Ammamma and Patta.

Well, we are finally doing this trip. It would have been nice if you were coming along, especially if we needed help with Patta. “Gee, thanks Mum”, I can hear you say. But I’m telling myself that even if you were physically here, you wouldn’t want to come along.

Last night I was thinking of you more. I guess you decided to spend more time in my dreams as a result! In my dream I was travelling. Not Sri Lanka- somewhere cold because there was snow. In the dream, I could hear your voice, but initially I could not see you. I turned around and only saw a big tree in the dark. So I called out, “why can’t I see you?”. And you said, “I’m right here Mum”. And when I tilted my head, you were actually right behind me, hugging me tightly around the neck. It was delightful. You looked about 13-14 years. Somewhere towards the end of the dream, Periyammamma was telling you to go and visit the mountains capped in snow with Anta. And Ammamma and I were telling her not to tell you that- it’s too dangerous.

You won’t be too happy that we are leaving the dogs behind. But they are in great hands. Shalini and Aunty B will be looking after them. I think they love Cadbury and Knight more than I do! Shalini is super excited about caring for them. She’s even bought them Chinese New Year costumes!

I hope you will keep the dogs company while we are away. I hope you will be with Shalini and Aunty B as they play with them and take them for walks.

Jess says you never liked Sri Lanka and wouldn’t want to come with us. So I am not taking your phone with us. I will leave it with Shalini, so we won’t feel like we are leaving you alone at home. I also do hope you will occasionally travel with us. Perhaps when we finally visit Patta’s ancestral home. I would very much like for you to see this too. I will be thinking of you constantly.

Love Mum