I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Do you remember your last set of exams? You told your friend, L, that you didn’t like it when exams ended. Because you didn’t know what to do with yourself after. They gave you a sense of purpose. It wasn’t even the results that kept you going, but working towards something. If that had been the case, your results should have kept you alive.

I didn’t get it then, but I do now. I was exhilarated for 24 hours after exams ended. And then, when I tried to socialise outside the house, I couldn’t do it. Even in the house with my favourite people in London, I left early to sit in my room. I think there was a lot the exams were protecting me from. There was suddenly so much grief and uncertainty to acknowledge that I had been pushing down.

You sent me some great signs though. One of my examiners’ names was Josh. Not Joshua, just Josh. I know the logical argument is that it is a common name, but it made me feel closer to you nonetheless.

I had a public cry for the first time in a while yesterday. Don’t worry, no one noticed. But I was in the bus on the way home, and I realised I was coming to the end of medical school. 6 full years. And you weren’t here. You’re not going to be at the finish line to congratulate me. It feels impossible to celebrate without you. We made plans last year after the photoshoot that we’d do it again once we both had our degrees. It’s selfish, and I know you’re in a better place without pain now.

A few weeks after you passed, I came to the realisation that I would not be able to accept your passing until I acknowledged that it was more important for you to be without pain than physically with us. I don’t know if I ever will or if I ever should. Shalini didn’t date you so your older sister could wish her happy Valentine’s. That’s your job.

I’m wearing a purple dress for my grad ball tonight. Ammamma made it. You would have loved it. All my jewellery is purple as well. I hope you like it’s basically the family colour now.

Miss you loads. Before we sat for our last exams, I told my flatmates I’d see them on the other side. I think I can say the same to you.

Love,

Acca