I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Well, we made it here, safe and sound. You will be happy to know that Patta seems quite happy. But this is the easy part. The tough part is tomorrow when we start the long drive to Jaffna.

As I am writing this at the breakfast balcony of the hotel, the soft waves of the Indian ocean are keeping me company. It is truly beautiful. There is also an abundance of crows….and traffic. But I realise I am blessed to have this luxury. Many, if not most, go through grief with the added difficulty of financial problems. I have had the benefit of being able to be kind to myself, almost whenever I need it.

I was recalling your last trip to Sri Lanka. It was in 2017. THe difficulties had already started, but perhaps it was blurred to most with the separation happening between Dad and me. We did a trip to Galle, and Aunty K and family were there too. Do you remember this? We went to a turtle sanctuary, and the lady brought out a bucket full of baby turtles to release into the ocean. Jess and I were a bit freaked out. But you and Aunty K’s girls were delighted, and didn’t hesitate for a moment. That was probably the best memory I have of that trip. When we got back to Colombo, you became physically unwell. And so we were taking turns to stay back at the hotel with you.

I didn’t know one of your cousins was back in Colombo. We saw him at dinner the other day. As soon as I saw him, I was reminded of you. He is probably the closest male relative in age to you. As he was talking to Patta, I looked for resemblances to you, and there were many. That night, I relayed this to Jess. Watching him also reminded me how far away from “normalcy” we were at with you. He came within minutes after we asked him if he could join us. It was so “easy” for him to be there. I mean, I’m sure it was an effort. But I don’t think it was anything like it was for you. He had a nice conversation with Patta. And with the rest of us. Had you been there, I would have been constantly watching you to see how you were coping. You may have had polite conversations with everyone, but I know it would have come with an excruciating amount of effort. 

It is also nice being with extended family. It was easy to constantly talk about you and Shalini, and the blog. R Mama said to me that he’s really glad we are doing this blog and that it helps them so much. I was a bit intrigued with this. I thought it was more of a help to us. When I asked him why, he said it helped them to learn so much more about you and that we are also keeping your memories alive. I am so grateful that so many are on this journey with us. I never realised how important this would be for us.

As I was writing this out on the restaurant balcony, a massive crow flew into my table. I only just ducked in time for it not to hit me. A bit too close Josh. So I’ve moved inside.

Be with us as we go to Jaffna. I feel like you are right next to me. But you are also with Shalini, helping her look after the boys (dogs).

Love you darling,

Mum