I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’ve been really sad lately. That sounds like a redundant statement. Of course, I feel sad. Everyone does. It’s just been harder lately. The night I came home from the ACT event I wrote about in the previous letter was really, really bad. I can’t remember what the trigger was, but my only thought was, “What’s the end game here?” What is the point of all of this pain and sadness? I will never be able to escape this grief. So, what is really the end game here? Just breathing until we’re not?

I’m writing this letter immediately after I wrote the previous one so it’s still Valentine’s Day now. Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling worse – the anticipation of Valentine’s Day and what could have been is eating at me. I took care of the boys on my own for the first time today. It was really nice being with them. There were only two moments where I mildly panicked: when I first entered and they were so excited, and when I was leashing them for a walk and Knight was so excited he was bouncing around. At that point, I thought he would trample all over Cadbury and me. Other than those two moments where I was laughing to cope with the mild stress and embarrassment thinking about (you and) your family possibly watching us via the CCTVs, they were perfect. I went to the house on three separate occasions today to spend time with them. I’ve taught Knight how to play fetch! Remember how we struggled with getting him to release the ball? He can do it now! He drops the ball in front of me and even tries to bring it closer if he notices that the ball is rolling away before I can pick it up! He was so tired after our long game that he fell asleep within minutes when we went back into the house to cool down. Cadbury got a lot of cuddles throughout the day too, so don’t worry, I’m doing my best to spread the love equally.

The last time I saw them today was just after 11pm. I had to attend my brother’s concert and dropped by to let them out for a pee on the way home. After I got home, I checked on them via the CCTVs and saw that they were both sitting by the door. You might be laughing at me for being soft, but that almost made me cry. I nearly thought of cycling back to spend time with them again. I did tell them that I’d be there the next morning though… It sounds silly, but I think because my mood was already so low, the thought of the boys waiting for me by the door made me sadder than ever. I know they’ll be alright in the morning when I head over and take them for an extra long walk, but this also made me think of you that night. The boys will see me again, so the sadness they feel from missing me is temporary. But they didn’t get to see you again after the 31^st. Their sadness from missing you has been and will be constant. Is that what happened too? They fell asleep waiting for you outside your room, thinking that they’ll see you again the next morning, but didn’t get to?

Then, as I was taking a shower, the song “What Was I Made For” by Billie Eilish started playing. Another minor thing to make me sad. I think my emotions just started snowballing and became this avalanche I couldn’t stop or control. This song made me think about what I wrote about earlier – what is the end game here? What was I made for? Was I seriously put on this Earth to feel all this sadness and go through all this pain? What is all of that for? It almost makes me feel indignant.

My sadness and emotions are all over and spilling everywhere. I know this letter is less structured compared to the previous one I wrote, but I guess it can be a good representation of my headspace at the moment. I’m trying to live with the grief and not use life as a distraction, but it’s so difficult.

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha