I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

The most stressful week of my month is happening right now. I’m not even referring to exam week. I enjoyed Chinese New Year (CNY) when I was a kid. I liked the idea of staying up past my usual bedtime and playing with my cousins. As I grew older though, the intrusive questions from Aunties started stressing me out. Even though I’ve roughly been about the same size since I was 15, they’d always ask about my weight. “Have you lost weight? Are you putting on weight? Better not put on any weight! If not, it’ll be hard to find a boyfriend next time. You have to ook like a model, but don’t be a model!” I’d have developed an eating disorder if I had let these comments linger in my mind. When I passed 20, I received additional questions that were boyfriend-related. “Do you want to get married? How come still don’t have boyfriend? Never mind, you can slowly find, you still have some time. But don’t get married too late!” My gosh, how contradictory. Should I find one quickly or take my time? I’m exhausted from thinking back and writing this.

I would usually laugh these questions off and return with a respectful or self-deprecating joke. Those usually landed well. But since last year, I have been actively avoiding intrusive Aunties because I can’t find it in me to laugh it off. If they had asked about my relationship status, I wouldn’t want to say “no, I don’t have a boyfriend” because I have you. But I didn’t exactly want to say “yes”, because it had to follow with “but he has passed on” – if I don’t follow with that, they’d ask why you’re not here or give me unsolicited advice about relationships. Now that you have some context, you can see why I’m always a little anxious for Chinese New Year.

A few days ago, my mum suddenly said that I could keep your pictures around my room. Last year, I had to take everything down and hide them under her instructions. I was caught by surprise because she followed with, “If you leave the pictures up, you have to answer their questions. But you don’t have to tell them everything. If you think you’d rather not answer questions, then hide the pictures.” She said she just wanted me not to feel the need to hide everything and keep it a big secret – which I greatly appreciate. I don’t know what made her suddenly think this way, but I was super grateful and very surprised. This is completely unlike her. She’s usually a very “paint a perfect picture” person.

I deliberated for a bit about whether to keep your pictures up, mainly because I was afraid that I’d end up crying if I had to answer questions. But it went surprisingly well. The closer aunts already knew because I had my close cousins tell them. To prep myself, I had planned to answer, “yes I have a boyfriend but he passed on” to every relationship status question, and if they asked further intrusive questions, I planned to repeat, “I don’t want to talk about it” until they give up. I also instructed my parents to dismiss any questions that come their way, and both my parents respectfully agreed. To further prepare for the day and alleviate some of my anxiety, I created a bingo game for myself. You’d find this very amusing and I personally think my sense of humor is divine for this. I think I would have created one for us as well for your first CNY on Earth!

The monetary rewards I’ve written are for me to spend on something unnecessary. As you can see, I did not actually win anything! That’s also a good sign, I think. I did have an aunt try to convince me to marry her son, my cousin, who I grew up with and has a girlfriend – that’s why three bonus boxes were checked off because that mortifying conversation lasted twenty minutes.

I think the highlight of the whole night was my mum’s response to an aunt who had asked her about the picture on my table (you!). My mum replied, “It’s Shalini’s boyfriend, but don’t ask. It’s very sad, he is a very clever and nice boy.” She told me this after the night ended and I almost burst into tears because of how touched I was. This! Coming from my mother! You would have been sooooo touched too! I’m so grateful that was her response. The aunt followed with an empathetic sigh and asked if I was very sad. My mum then responded that I am very, very sad. This was also so touching and surprising for me! She acknowledged my emotions! Josh, you must have had a part to play here. I gave her a high five for this.

Overall, I’d say it went pretty well. Everyone went home early (2am; it’s usually 6am) and I got to eat Macca’s after they left (it’s my fast food day and I’m not wasting it). Thank you for your help. This counts as your first CNY at my place, because now everyone knows you. I hope you had a good time.

I can’t wait to see you again. Oh and, I think people should start playing their own bingo for tough days. I found myself less anxious thinking about potential questions because of the game. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha