I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I have a couple of thoughts that may or may not be linked. They most likely aren’t, so I’ll just try to write them in a way that’s palatable. That’s actually related to my first thought! I saw this writing online where this girl said that she received a comment that went something along the lines of her feeling better about her loss. She then responded, “I’ve adapted to make my grief palatable.” And that stuck with me. I think I’ve also done the same, but that makes me question why. Why, during these moments, during these trialing times, do I have to make my sadness, my earth-shattering-and-world-ending sadness, palatable for others? Is it to make them feel less bad for me? To make them feel less uncomfortable around my sadness? But why do I have to do that? I question it but do it anyway.

The other night, I was driving home after walking your dogs and waiting for the traffic lights to turn green. In that couple of seconds where the lights were all red, I suddenly noticed how much red there was. This is going to make some sense in a bit, hold on. After I noticed, it turned green and I had to move, but there was still some red in my periphery. “Yes Sha, that’s how traffic works.” I know, but my point is, there’s so much red (bad) in life. Sometimes there’s green (good), but there will always be red. That’s just how it works. It made me think of grief and how, like your mum wrote, it’s always braided with good moments. No matter how much green there is, there will be red and it will always be noticeable. “Aren’t you reading into traffic lights a bit too much?” Yes Josh, but what’s the point of existence if you don’t read into things, right? I think you’d agree. You like such discussions. I think you’d say something positive like, “Yes, there will always be red, but you also won’t appreciate the greens if it’s always green.” That makes sense.

There were a lot of little wins for me today. I wanted to buy a mini Kodak camera keychain and was debating if I should. I already spent some money shopping for necessities so I didn’t really want to spend more. So… I let your boys decide. I closed both hands in a fist and labelled one “buy” and the other “don’t buy”. I explained the two options to the boys and let them pick a hand. Guess what! Both of them picked the “buy” hand! Thank you, Josh! I trust that you steered their decision.

Then, there was a dinner I was dreading with the full-timers and interns of the clinic I interned at. And…. It was cancelled! Biggest YAY of the day! I counted this as the second small win. I didn’t really mind going, but I also didn’t really want to go. Thank you for this too!

The biggest, biggest win I had today was the purplish-pink sky and the rainbow! The sky caught my eye and brought me outside to see the rainbow. It was beautiful and so clear! I managed to snap pictures and videos for your mum. And a few seconds after I got my pictures and videos, the rainbow faded and I could see the sky starting to turn blue again. Thank you, Josh, for this major win. It was a beautiful sight you painted today.

I guess if you keep sending little wins and I keep looking for them, life could be bearable. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha