I Swear You Will Be Fine

Josh and I were not very affectionate. When we got older, it didn’t feel necessary. But when we were kids, it was a different story. There are very few pictures where Josh and I aren’t clinging to each other. He was a very cuddly child. Very squishable. I’m pretty sure we were forced to hold hands whenever we crossed the street. Play fighting occurred way too often. Mum would always warn us to stop before someone got hurt. We’d laugh her off, until one of us inevitably got hurt. I’m fairly certain Josh bit me at some point. I know that I got hairspray in his eyes. I didn’t think it would hurt. That much.

When we were little, the kid’s favourite thing to do was wake me up. But not a gentle, quiet morning greeting. It was a cannonball jump from his bed to mine. If I didn’t wake up in pain, it was considered unsuccessful. It came with a way cry as he descended. For the life of me, I still don’t know why he derived so much joy from it. One more thing to ask when I see him again.. When he was a little chubby and I found him lying face-down on his bed, I felt it was my right to plop myself on his tummy. There is photographic evidence of this. It always made Mum laugh. I kinda can’t believe he let it happen.

As we got older, affection looked different. Our hugs were on birthdays, Christmas and when I was travelling. The airport hugs were different to others. I would sob while hugging Mum and then wipe my tears on Josh’s shirt. Probably some snot too. I remember him verbally protesting but letting me do it nonetheless. I know the exact last time Josh hugged me. I was back from London and upset about something silly. I managed to keep my cool in front of Mum and my grandparents, but as soon as Josh hugged me, I cried uncontrollably. Seeing as I can’t cry into my brother’s shirt for quite some time, I’m hoping he makes sure there’s a lack of similar reasons to cry.

But affection was Josh tapping me on the arm at the gym to let me know he was there, like he did the day he passed. Or calling me when I was going through bad periods at Uni. He’d let me cry on the phone after Mum had gone to sleep and couldn’t check in on me. Or text me to console me about Dad in a way no one else could. It was securing concert tickets for any artist I asked for, or just having to text him a single message about what I’d want for Christmas. I knew he’d get it. Josh didn’t stay up to watch my graduation as it was at 2am Singapore time and he had Uni the next morning, which pissed me off. But he set the link up for my grandparents and Tun, watched it as soon as he woke up (making sure to send us the exact time that I walked on the youtube link) and did the facebook post bragging about me (which I asked for).

I think affection looks different now too. I walked into a yarn shop in the Isle of Wight and found a random hedgehog plushie looking up at me. They played ‘We No Speak Americano’ at Infernos, so all my friends danced to Josh’s favourite Just Dance song. Josh’s girlfriend and friends wish me happy birthday and good luck for exams when he can’t.

I’m quite lucky. I think I have the most pictures with Joshua than anyone. Even if he stopped clinging to me when we got older, there was still no one I was more comfortable taking pictures with. I know exactly how he would sling his arm over my shoulder. How we’d start laughing and getting impatient when Mum couldn’t operate the camera or Ammamma wanted more photos. And how vain we both were about making sure we looked good.

Miss you so, so much Josh. Hope I can still embarrass you even when you’re in heaven.

Love,
Acca