I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Grief is still hitting at odd moments and it’s not getting more bearable when those moments occur, but I do think some things (and people) help a lot. I was just having dinner at your grandma’s house this evening and I told your mum and grandma a story about the dogs. This story is entirely non-fiction and happened on one of the days that I was looking after them. I didn’t write about it until now because I honestly didn’t think much of it until I read what your mum wrote – that the boys might be able to see and hear you.

My dad very kindly accompanied me on some of the days that I was tasked to look after the boys. We’d go on walks with them – he would very happily walk Knight, while I walked Cadbury – and play with them after their dinnertime. I think the boys make my dad want a dog, but he hasn’t said that yet. He does say he misses them a lot though. I think Knight is his favorite, although he says Caddy is more mature.

Anyway, on this particular evening, we had finished walking and feeding the boys. I told my dad to accompany me up the stairs of your grandma’s house (because it was dark and I’m a little scaredy cat sometimes) and both boys followed us up the stairs. My intention was to check on the LED candles your grandparents and mum had turned on, to make sure the batteries didn’t run out. So, I turned on the lights in the rooms, and the boys followed me in and out… except Cadbury. Knight was way faster than I was and ran back down the stairs after he assumed the job was done. I actually didn’t realize he had went back down and thought I left him in one of the rooms (oops!). Throughout this entire time, Cadbury was stuck in room 1. He just stood by the door, a few feet in the room, looking at me as I stood outside. After I checked that all the candles were fully lit, I started calling him towards me so that I could turn off the lights and close the door. But he refused to budge! He just stared at me… then turned around, as if he was looking at something (or someone), before turning back to me again.

This dance of looking behind him and back to me carried on for a couple of minutes. He just kept turning back to look at the white wall behind him. There wasn’t even anything in particular that he was looking at (nothing I could see, anyway), but he kept turning his head towards the same spot. Almost as if someone was standing there. To be completely honest, this part freaked me out a little. My dad was watching this happen as well and I looked at him and said, “Why isn’t Cadbury coming out of the room?” And he was fixated on Cadbury as he said he can’t figure out why either. I’d say that Cadbury usually listens to me quite well and follows me wherever I go without protest. So, this was quite unusual behavior. I can only assume it’s because he preferred to stay in that room with another person he liked more than me.

I was resisting the urge to ask him, “Is Joshua there?” because my dad was beside me and I didn’t want to freak him out. I really tried everything to get him out of the room. I turned off all the lights and pretended to close the door, but he just stared at me and refused to move. Sometimes when Cadbury stares at me for an extended period of time, I get the impression he’s trying to tell me something. This was one of those moments where I wished I could speak to the boys. I looked up at the spot he kept staring at too and I honestly don’t know, Josh. Were you there? Eventually I told my dad to watch Cadbury whilst I walked down to get some treats to lure him out. As I descended down the stairs, I heard Cadbury’s little footsteps following me and my dad telling me that he’s coming. My dad then helped to turn off the lights in the room. I can only assume that you told Cadbury to follow me down? Because a couple of minutes before, I tried pretending to leave but he did not move an inch.

The more I think about it, the more I really, really believe it must have been you. Or rather, I really hope it’s you because if it’s anyone else, I’d probably ask them where my boyfriend is and why he hasn’t come to see me yet. I used to be afraid of all things supernatural, but at this point, I think I might just say hi and politely ask them to call you over.

Thank you for coming over to visit us and play with the boys. I know that you were with your family in Sri Lanka too which must have been so nice! So, really, thank you for coming back to ensure that the boys were (mostly!) well-behaved. Like your mum said, you love the boys so much I’m sure you’re visiting them a lot too. Maybe even more than us!

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha