I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I’ve been listening to music I didn’t listen to before. There’s Bon Iver, introduced by a dear friend, and makes me feel hopeful (to summarize). There’s also The Marias. I started listening to The Marias in 2025. Their songs, the ones I’ve heard at least, are mostly sad and fit the emotions I’m feeling. I have a few favorites, but one in particular that I find the most gut-wrenching is titled, “Sienna”.

I will try my best to tell this story as factually as I can. I wanted to write it in a way that would make it sadder, but it’s not my story to tell, so I shan’t. The Marias consists of four individuals – Maria, Josh, Edward, and Jesse. Maria and Josh dated for about 8 years before they broke up. They are both still in the band, with Maria as the lead singer and Josh as the drummer. “Sienna” was written about an imagined future that never happened. Specifically, Sienna is the name of the child that Maria and Josh might have had together. Google describes this song as “the grief of losing the envisioned life and family”. Also, what are the odds that the drummer’s name, the partner’s name, is Josh? I didn’t know that until recently actually. Your sister was the one who shared this story with me. Here’s the song and lyrics:

“Please tell me not to go
We’ve been here long before
I live under your eyelids
I’ll always be yours
I’ll lay on your rooftop in the freezing cold
And I’ll watch the sunset wearing all your clothes
I can feel you with me like I did before
Like when I sang you a love song by Norah Jones
Ooh, Sienna
Would’ve been cute
Ooh, Sienna
Would look just like you
I came clean
And it feels so good
If I feel seen, mm
Only through you
I’ll wait here tomorrow, outside your door
Like I did in December, when you held me close
Coming up on your corner, pulling out my hair
Hear the creek in the floorboards going up the stairs
Ooh, Sienna
Would’ve been cute
Ooh, Sienna
Would look just like you
With a temper like you, run around like you
Jumping in the pool, like you
Sing to all her pets in the way I did
Be sensitive like you
And I smile when I think of all the times we had
On the beach in the winter, when the waves were mad
Down by the water, crystal clear
See her face in the forest, then it disappears”

This song made me think of the children we would have had and it makes me really, really sad. I thought I was able to write this letter with a certain degree of emotional stability, but as I typed the lyrics while listening to the song, I started crying. In all honesty, it’s always nice hanging out with my friends who have children and it reminds me of everything I miss about being a teacher, but it also makes me really sad because of how much I wish I could be a mum. And sometimes I think it’s so silly because why do I want to be one so bad? I almost wish I didn’t want children so much because that might lighten the grief a little. As I mourn the loss of you, our shared future, and the life we could have had, I also mourn the loss of my future and the life I could have had.

Humor me, and allow me to write down what I think our child would have been like. Of course, I’d hope that she’d have all our best traits and more. But here are some I think definitely would have been.

Our child would have been cute. We wanted a daughter first. She would have had curly hair like you. And I would have known how to take good care of her hair instead of attempting to straighten it like my mother tried to straighten mine. She would have had a little temper, like you… and I. She would be so mischievous like you! She’d run around like you and play with her neighborhood friends. We talked about wanting them to grow up in a neighborhood like you and your sister. So that she could play at the playground with friends. She’d jump into ponds like you, even after we’d tell her not to. She’d name her stuffed toys the way I do. She’d be able to read at three, like us. She’d enjoy debating, like us. We’d definitely teach her how to and make her pick sides when debating. She’d be sweet, and thoughtful, and sensitive, and most importantly, kind. I really think she’d be the best parts of the both of us. I know that’s idealistic, and she would likely have some of our not so nice traits too – like being a perfectionism (that’s ours… but mostly mine, I’ll take it), and she’d be so picky with food (that’s us, but mostly you!). I can see us having a great time as parents. Would have been nice. I think we would have loved her more than humanly possible.

I heard my previous letter was a little too long… sorry about that! I’ll end this one here. Hope this wasn’t too sad for you to read. I hope you also know that I don’t blame you. I’ve never blamed you. We’ll always have next time.

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha