I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I turn 25 tomorrow. I can feel you laughing at how old I am. Mid-twenties dude. How horrifying is that? I know you’d agree with me. I can imagine how you’d be trying to hide your laughter, but admitting,’ Yeah Jess, you’re old now.’ I’m having a minor crisis about it. My life looks very different from what younger me had hoped. I still have almost all of my bad habits from when I started medical school, if not more. You would think 6 years would be enough to grow into the person you want to be.

But the hardest part about turning 25 is knowing you won’t. I’ve read about younger siblings who are suddenly older than their sibling who passed away. You’ve always been younger than me, but what do I say now when people ask me how much younger you are? Is it still 3 years, 4 months and 23 days? Or do I count it from when we lost you? Did time just stop that night? It feels like it did. It feels like it should have.

Sometimes I think we’ve moved so far in our grief. And then other times, I feel like I’m running home to try to see you alive one last time. It doesn’t matter how fast I run, I won’t catch you. I know you’d say I’ve never been a fast runner (or runner at all), but that’s not the point. It should hurt less by now, but the Joshua-shaped hole feels a lot bigger.

We would have massive birthday parties when we were little. As we got older, mine got bigger and yours smaller. I didn’t understand why you didn’t like huge crowds of friends when you were a teenager, but I get it now. I went from having 60 person birthday parties to a 5 person dinner. I know, I know. Far from a big sacrifice. But come on, that better show you how much we’ve changed.

Do you remember our birthday weeks? We made such a big deal about birthdays. So many rituals. You’d let me have the front seat the whole week of my birthday. I would catch you and Mum whispering about what presents you’d gotten. I’d wake up to both of you singing and a pile of presents in bed. Ammamma and Patta would arrive at 630am to greet us with Mcdonald’s and presents before school.

It used to feel quite silly, but now, I’m so glad we did it. Last year, I felt like I couldn’t move on my birthday. But our cousins, aunt and uncle made it so much more bearable. This year, I have to move. Because I have to be in the hospital LOL. Hopefully, at some point, we can do these rituals again. Maybe once I have kids. I know, a long time to go for that, but I like to think we can get there. I want to tell my kids how their uncle would make me feel so spoilt every birthday, so they know what to expect from their siblings. You’ve set the bar quite high.

Love you so, so much Josh. Miss you more everyday.

Love,
Acca