I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Birthdays have always been such a huge thing in our family. From planning for presents months before, to the sequence of events planned for the whole day, and some times, even for days prior and after. Remember how we had this thing called “Birthday Week” in our family? Where the birthday person got to have everything they wanted for the week.

There were a few of Jess’s birthdays you missed in the last few years as she was in London. Last year, I had booked my flights to be with her months before, even before you passed. Of course we were not in the mood to celebrate. But Periyammamma, your cousins, Anta and Uncle C were with us and did so much for us to make sure the day was nice, and most importantly, that a lot of the day was about you.

Jess decided she wanted a yellow and blue cake with fish, in tribute to you. Your cousins came with us to buy a rainbow cake and icing to make the fish. Uncle C stayed up late making the most beautiful “fish” to put on top of the cake.

We had planned to drop in at a church to light a candle for you. But somehow on the day, we forgot until Anta remembered after lunch. So she drove us to the cathedral. While Jess and I were walking around, Periyammamma saw a place which allowed us to write a prayer for someone. She came to us to let us know. So Jess went to pick up a slip of the prayer paper. And just under the slip that she took, was another slip. And someone had written the name “Joshu”. This was one of the first and most amazing signs you gave us. We had removed 2 “empty” slips on top, and for this to be beneath the ones we took- was truly unexplainable. Jess wrote the request for prayer for you and we exited the church. There was a spray of purple flowers on the lawn, and a painting on the walls with angel wings. It was truly beautiful. As I think about that day now, I realise how much you were truly with us.

This year I am not with Jess for multiple reasons. But I have full faith in you that you will be with her. I was trying to order some flowers for her. The first order kept going wrong and I couldn’t fulfill them. I asked you in my mind, “do you not approve of these flowers Josh?”. And then I could almost just hear your voice. “Calla Lilies Mum! That’s what Jess likes!”. As soon as I found an arrangement with Calla Lilies, the order went through. The message to Jess has your name of course, and Shalini. Thank you for ensuring all our friends and family continue to be with us and look after us. Your presence will be missed so much by all of us today, and especially by Jess. As always, we remind ourselves that you are happy and continue to stay close to us.

Love you darling,

Mum