I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

As with all special days now, there are days of trepidation before the day itself. It was the same with Jess’s birthday. I was a little more worried than usual because I wasn’t with her. But thank you for hearing us and making the day as nice as possible, for both her and us.

Jess is blessed to have so many friends and family who care so much about her. Her flatmates especially continuously surround her with love. The florist I ordered the flowers from unfortunately didn’t have the Calla Lilies. I thought I heard your voice saying, “Don’t make expensive decisions thinking I’m telling you these things Mum”. The flowers were beautiful though, and Jess loved them.

Somehow you managed to stay close to both her and us.

Jess took the day off Uni, as you know, and had a lovely day. She kept calling us, I think more to make sure we were ok. And kept updating us on her hourly movements right until we went to sleep.

For me, the day was packed, but there were interesting things happening at work. So that kept me on a high. When I dropped Aunty B at the church (she only went because it was Jess’s birthday), the church bells were ringing. Something I rarely hear. We all went out for something like a hotpot (you would not have liked it). It was a Chinese spicy fish restaurant. Shalini and I loved it, despite the sometimes excruciating spice. Kind of a birthday dinner for Jess, even though she’s not here. She wanted us to celebrate for her as well. It felt like you were paving the way for us all to be happy.

The highlight of the day though was when I dropped Shalini off. Her Dad missed our dogs and was waiting on the road to see them in the car. He was beyond excited, cuddling the 2 boys non-stop. He didn’t want to move away from the car. You must have been so happy watching this.

Later in the night, Jess called from Hyde Park. She was spending the afternoon there reading a book she bought with her matcha latte and sausage roll from Gail’s. We talked about how you like Hyde Park, and though London had not quite been kind to you, Hyde Park was something you enjoyed on both of your visits.

As always, despite the pleasantness of the day, you were constantly on my mind when I went to bed. Perhaps it had also something to do with the MSG in the hotpot, but I just couldn’t fall asleep. I was thinking about you repeatedly, and the cruel blow life had given us, especially seeing how lovely Shalini’s family had been and what could have been.

But just as I was breaking down, I got an image of you. It was an image of you sitting with Jess on the bench in Hyde Park. That’s exactly where she was then. While she was reading her book, you were quietly seated beside her, watching the million things she was telling me about. The lady walking the 5 Chow Chows, with one of them in a pram. The 3 Golden retrievers, each with a different coloured dyed tail- green, pink and blue. And of course the crows.

I could see you enjoying the sights, while sitting close to Jess. And that’s how I finally fell asleep.

Love you darling,

Mum