I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I read somewhere that if you are struggling to find motivation to carry on living or finding it challenging to get through your days, you should write down everything difficult that you’ve gone through. The idea is that when you write it all down, you realize that if you could go through those, you can go through anything. Kind of like the quote that says, “You’ve made it through 100% of your bad days”. I thought this idea was nice, but if I penned down every traumatic memory or unpleasant time I’ve had before I met you, I might re-traumatize myself (you can laugh; it’s a joke). Though it sounds like it could be a bad idea to write all the sad moments down, I thought of it the other day and felt some kind of relief that I will never have to go through that again.

Losing you is the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. I won’t say I’ve gotten through it, but there are moments every day that I continue to get through and I thank time, for passing, that I won’t have to relive them again. The hardest moment by far is the 31^st of December 2024. The anticipation of whether you are alright and the moment I received the earth-shattering call to tell me you’re not was the hardest time of my life. I can’t decide if not knowing whether you were okay or knowing that you’re not is harder. I think they are both on par. But when I have hard moments now, I think back to that time and feel a little relief that I’m not there again. This is hard, but it will never be as hard as the 31^st.

The days following the 31^st are second on this list of hardest things. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t stop thinking and crying. Weirdly, I remember exactly what I ate on the 1^st of January 2025. I had a short strand of pasta, which tasted like rubber in my mouth, and half a glass of water. The next day I had a similar amount of food. I don’t know how I didn’t faint (because I’m quite prone to). I wasn’t allowed to come back to Singapore and I vividly remember sitting on my hotel bed, looking down at the lumps of tissues I’ve used up, knowing that missing your funeral would be the biggest regret of my life. Thinking back, I still feel some resentment towards my parents for not allowing me to come back. I don’t think any hard day that I have now will be as hard as that.

The next hardest day that comes to mind is seeing your mum and sister for the first time after I came back. 9^th January 2025. My dad dropped me off at your place and I think I was still in disbelief. I wasn’t crying until I stood outside your front door. I stood there for a minute or two before I knocked, just taking deep breaths and willing you into existence. I was begging with everything that I had that you would open the door and we’d greet each other with the twenty-minute hug we talked about over text. When your mum opened the door and hugged me, I just couldn’t stop crying. It was the same when your sister hugged me too. As I went through your front door with your mum and sister, my mind played what could have been. It could have been you. I don’t think I can convey how much that meeting with your mum and sister meant to me and still does. I was in a very bad place that week after you passed and that meeting with them helped more than I thought it would. It was really hour-by-hour back then. I was getting through life hour-by-hour, and at times minute-by-minute. Can’t get any harder than that, right?

Then there was school. I had to attend school 19 days after you passed. I don’t know how I did it. I don’t know if I learnt anything in that first week at school. I just remember sitting in the lecture hall and constantly checking the time so I could get up and leave. It was so difficult to sit on the seats we used to sit on, where we’d whisper and muffle our laughter in the middle of class. I couldn’t understand why we weren’t sitting there together then. I still can’t understand it. We were really happy, Josh. I recently read about someone in our school taking months off to mourn a significant personal loss. Sometimes I wonder if I should have done that. Your sister and mum going back to school and work as soon as they had to motivated me to do it too though. And I’m sure you were with us during that time as well.

Did writing this help a little? Well, if it did, I’m not exactly feeling it yet. It did make me sadder thinking about those times. And as I’m reading through this letter again, I notice silent tears trickling down my cheeks. But I am a little glad I don’t have to go through those moments again. I’m sure there will hard moments in life in the future, with my luck especially (another joke; you can laugh!), but I guess it’s somewhat comforting to know it will never be as hard as this list of hardest things.

Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha