I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I came across this brief write-up on the Alliance of Hope on The Suicidal Trance by Richard Heckler. It happened to be on my birthday. It was almost like you were speaking to me, getting me to understand what you went through. The article was based on a study of people who had survived suicide attempts, and their feelings prior.

In the article, the writer describes the state of mind- a cluster of internal thoughts and emotions, which he titles, “The Suicidal Trance”. In summary, it is a perception of life through a filter which overtook them, and in which all else was blocked out. I feel like I can relate this to how you felt.

The article goes on to describe some common themes and stages of descent, which I don’t know if I agree with.

1.  Pain and suffering remain unaddressed

Did we not address your pain and suffering? I feel like we did, very early on. But perhaps it was not enough.

2.  The person then withdraws behind a façade designed to protect themselves from further hurt and to cloak the suffering underneath.

I don’t feel like you did this either. You were quick to seek help, with your therapist, with your psychiatrist, with your friends. Even until days before you passed.

3. The façade only intensifies the slide toward a suicidal trance.

Maybe this did happen- we knew you were in a bad place. But it was erratic, and it totally seemed like you had come out of it.

4. Ultimately, the trance narrows the person’s perspective until the only inner voices are those that enjoin him or her to die.

This I agree with completely. Something or some voice must have just taken over you that fateful night. After all, as Jess, your friends, Sha and I have frequently discussed, we had seen you much worse before. What was it that night that made you cross the line?

You and I had many discussions about your difficulties. You often spoke of “obsessions” that you couldn’t let go of. In fact, I think we had one of these discussions just days before you passed. You were talking about your “obsession” when you were last in London, and how you suddenly had the thought to leave London and just couldn’t shake it off until you actually left. Was it like that this time too? But this time, to leave the world?

I was clearing some emails this morning. I was trying not to get to 31^st December 2024. But eventually I did, and I got braver to look at the emails in the days before. Most of them were our hotel and plane bookings for Hokkaido. But I also came across an email from Dr A, your psychiatrist. Just 11 days before you passed. In the email, he states that he was trying to get a hold of me but couldn’t (I had missed his call while seeing patients myself). He described in detail the phone conversation he had had with you that morning. One sentence stood out. “From his sharing today, he has no active self harming or suicidal intention.”

The irony of it all. I will forever regret that I missed your deterioration. Everyday I wonder what life would have been like had I stayed home that night. Everyday I replay that night with a different ending. I KNOW it was some kind of a trance that finally took you away from us. But as always, I am grateful you are not in pain anymore.

Love Mum