I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

One thing that has changed dramatically in my life since you passed is that I have started reading again.

The first week after you passed, I vaguely remember looking for some way to ease the pain. Very quickly I looked for a book that I recalled in little bits and pieces. I had read excerpts from this book in recent years and was desperately looking for it. It’s called “Loss Adjustment”, written by Linda Collins about the suicide of her 17 year old daughter. It’s because I had read excerpts from her book before that I knew a little about what to expect in the 48 hours after you passed.

Reading this book, I must say, allowed me to breathe. In the weeks after, I found that every time I was sinking, I had to return quickly to reading. I desperately found several books on autobiographies of suicide. I have to say that this helped me the most. At one point, I was so worried that I would run out of such books. But I didn’t. Over time, the type of books started to change. They weren’t all about non-fictional books on suicide. Slowly they moved to fictional books as well. Generally, they’re all sad books though!

Right now, I am reading 3 books at the same time. I never thought I would be capable of doing this. One is a hardcover, fictional book mostly on the Sri Lankan war given to me by your Aunt. This is now my night-time ritual. The second is an E-book I read at work. And the third is an audio-book I listen to when I’m driving. Surprisingly, I can keep track (almost) of the different stories, but I’m very slow.

Weeks before you passed, you ordered a book (as usual, after asking for my permission). You were so good like this. There was never a purchase made without my permission. “Blood Meridian” was the book you were reading. I was always happy when you ordered books because it usually meant you were doing well.

Days before you passed you asked me to order some Batman comics. I ordered them and sent you the screenshot. They arrived a week after you passed. The package sits on your cabinet unopened.

One of the few places Jess, you and I enjoyed going together was Kinokuniya. You would disappear to the comics section, Jess and I to the fictional books usually. And we would all leave with a book in our hands. I think one of the last visits we did, you both came out with the whole Dune series. I don’t remember how much of it you read.

Jess and I visited several bookstores in the UK. You would have absolutely loved them. And yesterday, I went to Kinokuniya with Shalini and Ammamma. Shalini and I also share that excitement of walking into the bookstores and leaving with a book in our hands.

I am thankful for this gift of loving to read. It is now lovely that Shalini is also such a big reader. I never thought it would be my saviour in my darkest times. 

Love Mum