I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

I went to collect my graduation gown today. I took the bus alone, met our friend L alone, put on the dress and stared at the mirror reflecting my lone self, and took the bus home alone after everything was done. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy we’re graduating, and I’m proud of what you and I have achieved in our educational journey (not that it’s over). But like always, I still wish you were here.

Here’s how it would have gone. Knowing us, we would have been at your place – either studying or playing games. We would have left home just on time to catch the bus – you’d always check the bus timings before we left the house so that we could minimize our waiting time at the bus stop. We would have arrived at the location early and you would have found the studio. I was not that good with directions today. I walked straight past the studio and L had to come out to get me. We would have taken informal pictures together at the studio – the three of us, then the two of us (L would have likely helped us take pictures too).

Or it could have gone a different way. Based on our discussions towards the end of 2024, you were thinking of extending your degree for another couple of months. You wanted to take less subjects in each semester and have more time to focus on them. I agreed with you, and we wanted to prioritize doing well over finishing early. I would still graduate now. You would have been graduating in a few months. So, it could have gone like that: You’d still come with me to collect my gown. You’d take more pictures of me than of us. And in a few months, I would have come with you to collect your gown, and I would have taken soooooo many pictures and videos of you. In both scenarios, we would have collected our gowns together. We would have done everything together, like we did.

We really did do everything together. Most things, at least. We never got tired of each other (thankfully!). Cynics will say we never got tired of each other because it’s a matter of time, time we weren’t lucky enough to have, but I disagree. I think you’d disagree too.

One of my biggest regrets is not taking enough pictures and videos of you. I know I have said this before and I will likely say it again. I also know that I took many, many pictures and videos of you. But it’s never enough, is it? I think if the roles were reversed and I had passed on instead, you would have agreed. There’s nothing I can do about all the pictures I wish I had taken of you. I can only look back on videos and live photos and hope to screenshot some images of us. From now on though, I shall make it a personal mission to take more pictures of the people I love so that if I’m ever in this situation again, where I’ve lost a loved one, I will feel less regret.

I heard you made the lights flash in your room today for your mum to see. I’ll wait for her to write her side of this story, but it really made my day. Thank you for your creativity and always finding signs to show us that you’re still here.

I miss you so much. My mood has been improving lately, but I’ve been stressed about this Statistics assignment we’ve got to submit. Please help us out with it? I’m still referring to the last Statistics paper you helped me with in 2024 to make sure I’ve got things in order.

This letter’s probably one of the shortest ones I’ve ever written. Doesn’t mean I’m running out of things to say. Can’t wait to see you again. I love you more, always, and forever.

Love always,
Sha