I Swear You Will Be Fine

Dear Josh,

Your girlfriend graduated this week! Depsite everything she’s had to deal with, she got the degree you were both working so hard towards. She did it for both of you and held your picture up during photos so you got to be part of it too. There are so many ways we all wish this could be different, but it’s a blessing that we get to witness her life from front row seats. It makes us feel closer to you and to her, which you would have loved. So now there are pictures of Shalini, your other best friend L and you at graduation. I don’t have to tell you this because I know without a doubt you would be, but you should be so proud of both of them.

I think you taught me a very brotherly lesson this week. I didn’t realise how much comfort I was finding in frankly superficial things over the last year. Wins at Uni like publications and prizes gave me small boosts that got me through the shitty bits. But I think this week really showed how far they could go.

You came with me and Mum to get my IB results in 2019. Before we left, you said I looked like I was going to puke. I’m sure you would have said the same thing this time because it was true, if not worse than before. Mum and the grandparents knew to keep the calls short because I looked like I was going to burst before receiving the results telling me if I passed.

And then at 11am on Wednesday, I found out I became a doctor. And for the first time since you died, I called the family group chat. I only ever did this when I had really good news to share. You tended to be the first one to answer. So I exclaimed that I had become a doctor, and promptly broke down. And did not stop crying for a very, very long time. You know how long this has been in the works for. Med school has been 6 years with several breakdowns that you witnessed, plus years prior to that of preparing for applications. Here was something we had all worked towards for so long, and after founding out we had done it, I didn’t know why. We were missing one face on the whatsapp call. It didn’t matter how long we stayed on the call crying, you weren’t going to be able to show up. You’d tell me off because I made Ammamma and Mum cry really badly too. My bad. LOL.

You gave Mum a ridiculous number of signs to keep her going. The lights flickering in your room was quite Harry Potter/Stranger Things-esque. But honestly, it wasn’t enough. And I openly said that to you. You’ve always given me big signs. Exceeding expectations has always been in your nature.

So that night, I happened to go out and get home late, despite knowing that F1 postings were coming out at 7.30am the next day. But I prioritised my sleep. The same way I did 6 years ago. So like we did 6 years ago, I gave Mum my login. And the next morning, I didn’t wake up to both of you screaming “You got in” (which was how I found out I got into medical school), but I did wake up to a text from Mum saying ‘LONDON!!!!!!’.

I think that was you. I can feel you saying ‘You should know it was me.’ So thank you so, so much Josh. I miss you so much, somehow even more this week. But in the same way you were my biggest advocate to take Imperial, I think you were the reason I got London, even if you did it just to make me happy. All my friends being at max 1.5 hours away was the icing on the cake.

Way too much has happened this week and honestly I’m still taking it in. But thanks brother. When it comes to birthday gifts, you have always gotten me the best ones. I’m glad that hasn’t stopped.

Love you so, so much Josh.

Love
(Dr) Jess!!