I Swear You Will Be Fine

hey josh,

firstly, this week’s submission for stats had us screaming internally and via texts, and honestly just second guessing ourselves on whether we knew what we were actually doing without you. i was also referring to the last one you helped with and trying to find some semblance of sanity while doing (and redoing) all the analysis and tables every day in between working and waking hours. secondly, i have been lowkey dreading this year’s birthday and graduation. one might think like oh how cool is that you’re graduating on your birthday too! what a nice gift! no. it really isn’t, because like what your loved ones had posted before, (and i hope im not sounding overly dramatic) but it will now always be braided with sadness.

when i first found out about the date of our graduation, i was already going through the things at home (that you and your ever-so-sweet family know about and have been so supportive), i hesitated about inviting him to the event. not only because i wasn’t sure at that point of time whether things would escalate or deescalate but also because in my heart, i knew that he wouldn’t understand the conflicting feelings i would be going through on the day itself – much like the many conversations we’ve had together about you, that usually leaves me more upset than comforted. i digress but the conversations should have been a huge red flag. anyway, so back then i decided not to tell him when graduation was and to wait and see. in the end, my bestie came over from MY to be with us for the day, and i gave my other ticket to small L because she needs to be there with us.

so the day finally came around and sha’s parents were so lovely to me too. basically fussing over both of us, and even bought us little graduation koalas. auntie S also made sure we took multiple pictures , and made sure my gown was on straight and all that. it was so nice and i don’t even recall having this when i had my first grad ceremony during the crustacean period. uncle S also very adorably tried to capture everything on video and pictures, but at one point he couldn’t tell which was me – that gave us a good laugh. he’s so sweet – and i can see where sha gets her sweetness and humor too. love it.

we were sat in the same row but across the aisle and seats apart. so i was just furiously texting our chat while trying to survive the entirety of the ceremony. there were a few moments we were going “really????” but i’ll keep that discussion to our chats. when the chancellor was addressing the room, i was sitting there and watching everyone, not texting at the moment, but just looking, and i was overcome with immense sadness. i had to do my utmost best not to let the tears come but the wave of emotions was simply a bit much. i was looking at the graduate who we later found out was addressing the cohort – this mild looking boy and while not trying to be mean, all i could think of was – it should have been you up there. you would’ve made it worth our time waiting till the end of the ceremony to listen to whatever you needed to say, and everyone would be like, “that was so good, josh”. you would’ve been one of the few BsC with distinctions (again, we were like ???), and we would’ve cheered. Well, sha would have, i would clap lightly and say “bravo”.

But just being in the midst of it all, i was wondering how did we even make it here – more importantly, how did sha even manage to make it this far, how did jess manage to achieve all these, while not having you here? thinking about the strength and determination it took for your loved ones to get this far and still do well, made me incredibly humbled and moved, but most of all, missing what could have been for all of us to be there together to celebrate. i hope you continue to be proud of us and be there with us throughout this journey. we couldn’t have done it without you.

“Lynnda”